Page 82 of Attractive Forces
I can’t.
I can’t continue to do this. I can’t continue to lie to everyone.
I know Logan wanting to lie comes from a different place than my father’s lies. My father lied to gain things and then for self-protection.
And while there’s definitely an element of self-protection for Logan, he also wants to protect people around him. He wants to shield his teammates and father from a truth that will potentially upset them.
He’s lying because some parts of society still don’t accept people have the right to kiss whoever they goddam please.
I get it.
But so much of our relationship has been dictated by Logan. Chloe’s right about that.
I’ve been content to cruise along and ignore those red warning signs because I like Logan so much.
And I thought I could divorce myself from everything that went down with my dad. I’ve tried so hard to do that, to not think about it. To do what my mum said and turn over a new leaf.
But it’s not just our physical circumstances that have changed. I’ve changed too.
And part of how I’ve changed is my tolerance for lying.
I just can’t continue to lie and still look myself in the mirror every morning.
Nothing is worth losing myself over. Not even Logan.
* * *
The next morning,I give Aaron a run for his money on how reluctant I am to go to school. But I drag myself out of bed because the last thing Mum needs is another son playing truant.
I hadn’t actually realized how much of my happiness in recent months was due to Logan. The thrill when my phone beeped with a message from him. The warm flush through my body when our eyes met. The sound of his laugh.
All those things are now gone from my life. And I don’t know if there is anything that can replace them.
We don’t have English on Mondays, so I don’t see Logan. At lunchtime, I hang out in the library to avoid the cafeteria.
“Are you okay?” Chloe asks as we leave biology class.
I swallow the lump in my throat and force a casual tone. “I’m fine. Why?”
“You’re just really quiet today.”
That’s because I broke up with my boyfriend yesterday. And I can’t stop wondering if I did the right thing or if I’m the biggest idiot since humanity invented the concept of stupid.
“Maybe I’m just going for a strong, silent persona.”
I try not to be offended when Chloe chortles loudly.
“Yeah, good luck with that,” she says.
We round the corner in the science hallway, and my retort dries on my lips when I see a horde of rugby players coming toward us.
My heart starts hammering. Sure enough, Logan is in the middle of them.
Just the sight of him causes my chest to tighten.
Usually, seeing Logan is a source of happiness. Now he’s a reminder of everything I can’t have. Everything I’m going to miss going forward.
I can’t help flicking a glance at him as Chloe and I approach.
