Page 87 of Attractive Forces
And would she tell my father? She wouldn’t be able to keep something like that a secret from him, would she?
“Thanks, Mum,” I manage to get out.
Silence seeps into the space between us. I can hear the kitchen clock ticking. It's a slightly aggressive sound.
“You were such a happy kid,” Mum says eventually.
My shoulders stiffen.
“And I don’t know, in the last few years, it’s like you’ve become more…guarded,” she continues. She gives a lopsided smile that doesn’t reach her eyes. “I really want my happy Logan back.”
Her words slam into me, snatching my breath away.
“I’m not sure if he exists anymore,” I choke out.
“Oh, I’m confident he’s still inside there somewhere.” Mum stands and rinses out her mug. She pauses as she comes back past me, laying a hand on my shoulder and giving me a squeeze. “You know I’m always here if you want to talk.”
I sit there for a while after Mum leaves, staring at the table.
I’ve thought a lot about the heavy burden of carrying this secret inside me and how it affects me. But now I’m starting to realize it isn’t just me I’m hurting by keeping my secret.
I’m hurting Jake. I’m hurting my mother too because I can’t be completely honest with her about who I actually am.
It makes everything suck even more than it already does.
27
Jake
On Thursday night, I’m sitting at my desk, supposedly studying. But it’s impossible to study here. Not when I have so many memories of Logan sitting at this same desk. The way his fingers twirled his pencil. His shy smile when he got the answer right. Our first kiss was on my bed right over there. It’s impossible to block that memory and the memories of all the other times he touched me and I got to touch him back.
Those memories haunt me so much I’m considering hiring an exorcist. Anything to stop feeling this crap.
I’m pretty sure it’s been the worst week and a half of my life. Even worse than after my father was arrested. That was all shock and trying to cope when everything I thought was secure suddenly melted down around me.
But at least then, I wasn’t constantly second-guessing myself about whether I’d done the right thing.
I had the most gorgeous guy on the planet, a guy who’d become my best friend, and I let him go.
My heart is heavy in my chest.
Is this what love is?
Of course, I’ve only realized I love Logan after I’ve lost him.
Mum pokes her head around my door, and I reluctantly take off my headphones so I can hear her.
“I’ve got to go to work, but can you do me a favor and make sure Aaron finishes his science fair project?”
I try to think of things I would rather do than try to get Aaron to do his homework. Maybe slowly extract every toenail from my feet with a blunt instrument?
But when I see the large dark circles under my mother’s eyes and the wrinkles on her forehead that weren’t there a year ago, I really have no choice in my answer.
“Okay.”
Mum manages a half-smile. “Thank you.”
“No problem.”
