Page 93 of Attractive Forces
The search and rescue coordinator divides everyone into teams of four. It seems only natural to join Logan and Chloe to form a search team. We’re assigned to Matt, a guy in his mid-twenties who is conspicuous in his high vis red and yellow search and rescue team outfit.
Matt has a small truck that we all climb in to, and it’s a quick drive to the edge of the bush, the gaping stretch of ridges and rough ground between Heath Valley and the state highway.
Matt loads a walkie-talkie and GPS into his backpack before turning his attention to us.
“Have any of you participated in a search before?” Matt asks us.
We all shake our heads.
“We’re going to do what we call purposeful wandering. Which means looking for natural travel paths in the bush. It’s not like in the movies where we’re holding arms and crashing through the undergrowth. In our search area, we’ll follow the small creek up the valley, keeping an eye out for any signs Aaron might have left behind if he came this way. Footprints in the mud, that kind of thing. Any questions?”
What will happen if we don’t find him? Will I ever be able to live with myself if something has happened to him?I don’t ask these questions aloud though.
“Right guys, let's head out.” Matt seems no-nonsense, which is good. I want no nonsense. I want people who are focused on nothing but finding my brother.
The day is cold, raw. The bramble scratches at my hands and legs as I push through the undergrowth and manuka branches snatch at my hair.
Chloe has a beanie pulled low over her forehead, her face wiped clean of her usual smirk.
My breath hitches when I notice something bright green in the long grass by the side of the creek, but when I get there, it turns out to be a discarded piece of plastic.
I stand, staring down at the plastic, when I suddenly sense Logan beside me. Crazy how even in the state I'm in, having Logan near me makes my heart pound faster.
“How are you doing?” he asks in a low voice.
I push out a shaky breath before I answer. “I’m okay.”
Logan gives me a look to show exactly how much he believes that statement.
I swipe hair out of my eyes. Something about being under Logan’s scrutiny makes me spit out the truth circulating in my mind all morning. “This is my fault.”
“It’s not your fault.”
“I yelled at him. I let him walk out the door. I could have stopped him, but I didn’t.”
Logan’s throat works for a minute before he finally speaks. “You can’t blame yourself.”
“What if something has happened to him and I never see him again?” My fear is so potent that the words come out in a whisper like I don’t want the universe to hear me and decide to make my words come true.
“Jake, you can’t think like that.”
My eyes sting, and I wipe them impatiently. “We should get back to searching.”
Logan doesn’t move. He stands there just staring at me. “I can’t stand to see my favorite person beating himself up.”
It’s not even the words Logan says that strike me so hard. It’s the way he says them. With such certainty. Like it’s a fact right up there with the sky being blue and the grass being green.
I’m his favorite person.
Present tense.
There’s a surge of happiness inside me, but it’s quickly seared in bitterness and regret.
I look away, kicking at a lump of grass in the ground. “It’s not just last night. I’ve been a crappy brother for ages, too concerned about my own shit to try to help him.
“I knew he was suffering without Dad, but I didn’t want to talk to him about it. I didn’t want to be reminded of everything when I was trying to put it all behind me.” I glance up at Logan. “When I was too caught up with everything else going on.”
Logan flinches. He knows that he’s a big part of that everything else. He runs his hands through his hair, looking down.
