Page 127 of Playing for Keeps
The massive wound inside me that was inflicted six years ago had reopened. It was a raw, gaping fissure that I didn’t think I’d ever manage to stitch back up.
I talked to Ethan every day, although the time difference made it difficult.
Theo was being clingy and emotional, which was understandable but still difficult for Ethan to manage. Especially as he was trying to juggle having to care for Theo full time along with starting his university paper. And he didn’t want to call on my parents for extra help too often because my mother was directing some low-level hostility his way.
We didn’t talk about us.
I kept my word. I was being his best friend, Char’s brother, Theo’s uncle.
Thank fuck the rugby was intense, and at least when I was training, I got to have a break from my churning thoughts.
I knew from Supreme Rugby that playing in South Africa was tough, but playing at the international level against the South African national team was on another plane altogether.
We lost the first test match in a closely fought battle, which only made us more determined to square things up in the second test match in Pretoria.
I was having breakfast in the team hotel one morning when Jacob joined me.
My phone beeped with a message from Ethan. It was a photo of Theo, holding up a Player of the Day trophy from rippa rugby. My heart clenched and I exhaled deeply before I sent a quick reply.
Jacob watched me as I put my phone down. “How’s your sister doing?” he asked.
The team knew why I’d been late arriving in South Africa, though I hadn’t gone into too much detail.
“Uh, I haven’t spoken to her directly. The place she’s staying in doesn’t allow phone calls. But my parents have seen her and they say she’s doing okay.”
I was relieved Char was getting better. But what would happen when she recovered? Would Ethan and I dare to restart something, knowing that it could push her back over the edge? Could I risk doing that to my sister? To my nephew? Theo needed and deserved a happy and stable mother. Could I live with the guilt if something I did deprived him of that?
“How is Theo coping with it all?” Jacob asked.
“He seems okay. Ethan’s trying to keep his routine as normal as possible.” My voice lowered. “Ethan’s feeling really guilty because he wasn’t there when it happened.”
Jacob’s forehead furrowed. “Where was he?”
“He was in Sydney for the second Bledisloe.”
“I didn’t realize Ethan came to the Sydney match.”
“Yeah, he was there.” I huffed out a deep breath. “He was with me when we found out. The whole thing is really messed up.”
Jacob’s eyes widened, as if he suddenly understood exactly why it was so messed up.
“Oh. Right,” he said.
“Yeah.” I twisted my mouth but knew it didn’t come close to the definition of a smile.
“I’ve done messed up,” Jacob said. “Shit, Austin started out as my kids’ nanny and spent half the time living with my ex. I wrote the book on messed up. But you’ll get through it.”
“Yeah.”
Once again my smile failed to launch. Because supposedly I was a smart guy, yet I couldn’t figure out a solution to this.
“You heard the news?” Kelso sat down next to me, providing some welcome distraction.
“What?”
“Angus Ross just announced his retirement.” Kelso gave me an anticipatory grin.
Jacob raised his eyebrows. “Oi! You trying to poach our fullback?”
