Page 136 of Playing for Keeps
“I don’t know what I was thinking.” She swiped more tears away. “But he never felt the same way about me as he felt about you. He was so miserable after you left, Luke. I’d never seen anything like it.” Her jaw trembled. “And he tried. He was so good to me, and such a great dad to Theo. But he lost some of that Ethan shine and I knew it was all my fault.”
There was a moment of silence and her eyes sought mine.
“And since you’ve come back, he’s been so happy again. And you’re so happy every time you’re around him…and the two of you, it’s like a stupid movie, but you do actually complete each other.
“And I’ve been feeling so guilty. I realized what I cost him and what I cost you. I’ve been talking to my counselor about it, and she thinks my relapse has a lot to do with my guilt, because I’ve been carrying this secret for so long. So now I’m telling you. Because you’re my brother and I betrayed you in the most horrible way.”
Her words sat between us, and I struggled to pump oxygen into my lungs.
Fuck, had I ever bothered to fully see my sister? See her as a complex person, with her own feelings and struggles and motivations. Growing up, I’d happily basked in the admiration of my parents without seeing what it cost her.
And when Char got pregnant, I blamed Ethan.
Jonathan was right, it was misogyny at its finest to assume that Char had been the victim in the whole thing, that she didn’t have autonomy over her body, her life.
Even after her overdose, my thoughts about her had still mainly focused onmysacrifice, whatIwas giving up to protect her.
“Please forgive me,” she whispered.
I took a deep, shuddering breath. “It was Ethan’s decision as well that night. You might have made the first move, but he could have said no at any time. And I can’t speak for Ethan, but I don’t know whether he’d change anything if he had a chance. He loves Theo so much. He loves being a dad.”
“He’s a great dad.” Char’s voice was wobbly.
“Yeah, he is.” I stared out over the garden. “And you need to forgive me too. I was a shitty brother. I left when you needed support because of my own stupid broken heart.”
And I’d done the same to Ethan too.
The thought caused my stomach to hollow.
I’d always played the protector with Ethan, but I’d left him when he needed me the most. I’d assumed a whole lot of things and run away rather than sticking by the man I loved when the going got hard.
And I was contemplating doing it again.
I swallowed.
“Maybe we need to forgive each other,” Char said.
“Yeah.”
I met her eyes, her eyes that were so much like mine.
“Clean slate?” she suggested.
Char using our mother’s terminology made me smile.
“Clean slate,” I agreed.
She lay her head on my shoulder, and we continued to rock on the swing together.
Chapter35
Ethan
“Daddy, how come Nan and Grandad look after me and not Grandma?” Theo asked.
I blinked at him. We’d just pulled up near his school and I’d told him I’d pick him up after school today, but Nan and Grandad would pick him up tomorrow.
“Well, Grandma is quite sick. She needs someone to look after her, so she can’t really babysit you, can she?”
