Page 72 of Playing for Keeps
I snuck a look at him now.
Ethan had his arm out the window, letting in chilly air, singing along gustily to the chorus about finding love in a hopeless place. He didn’t have a great singing voice, but I didn’t care. Ethan singing meant he was happy. Which made me happy.
It was a stunning mid-winter day as we drove through the Mackenzie Country. Lake Pukaki, with its other-worldly shade of blue that came from melted glaciers, was on our right. The mountains, capped with snow, filled the sky behind.
We stopped at a lookout to admire the view.
“Fuck, it’s pretty here.”
“Yeah.”
But it wasn’t the lake and mountains I was admiring. It was Ethan in his puffer jacket with his beanie pulled down low so only one lock of his hair stuck out. I had an urge to tuck that lock back in. I stuffed my hands in my pockets to stop myself touching him.
He turned back to me, and I guess I didn’t school my expression quickly enough, because his eyebrows shot up. For a few heartbeats we just stood there, staring at each other.
“We better keep on trucking,” he said finally.
“Okay.”
“You want me to have a turn driving?”
I chucked him the keys. “Knock yourself out.”
Back in the car, Ethan didn’t turn his playlist on. Instead he turned on a classic rock station, volume set low. He seemed to sense that I needed space to think. Ethan had always been so in tune with my moods, instinctively knowing when to joke around and when to stay silent.
It was one of the things I loved about him.
One of the many, many things.
I’d been suppressing my feelings for Ethan so much recently, feeling guilty about Jonathan every time they entered my head, but now they had free rein to take over and run riot.
I put my head back on the seat rest and closed my eyes.
Last night, after the game, Ethan had said that he was here if I needed to talk about the breakup. For a moment, I imagined how I would explain it.
So Ethan, the reason Jonathan broke up with me was because it appears no matter how hard I try, I’m incapable of loving anyone else like I love you.
My heart pounded at the thought of saying those words.
The problem was, it was such an enormous truth inside me I didn’t know how much longer I could go without spilling it.
We made it to Wanaka by mid-afternoon.
Pulling into my family’s holiday home with Ethan by my side was like banging myself over the head with a memory stick. Because the last time we were here together was that fateful summer before everything changed. That summer when I’d been so full of hope.
Had Ethan been back here since? Had he come with Char and Theo? Had the memories of all the summers we’d spent here together been eclipsed by other memories that didn’t involve me?
I unlocked the house and the usual musty smell greeted me. After I’d dealt with the alarm code, I went around and opened some windows despite the freezing air outside.
“You ever notice how houses have their own smell?” Ethan said.
“Yeah, I guess.”
“Maybe it’s because I spent so many summers here as a kid, but this place smells just like summer to me,” he said.
“It doesn’tfeellike summer.” I went to turn the heat pumps on. “You can have the master bedroom if you want.”
“Oh, am I officially a grown-up now?”
