Page 55 of Keeping it Casual
Fuck. I knew this was coming. I knew this thing with Jeremy was more than friends with benefits. I knew I was risking my heart.
Only I didn’t consider how I was risking his as well.
I make it to the living room, where I sink into the couch, my head in my hands. I wish I could erase the memory of the hurt on Jeremy’s face.
“Are you okay?” It’s Stephanie’s voice, her eyes concerned as she perches on the arm of the couch next to me.
“No. I’m not okay.”
Her eyebrows knit together. “What happened?”
I look up at her, my hands still clutching at my hair with both hands. “I hurt Jeremy.”
She blinks at me. “Why?”
“Because I can’t give him what he wants.”
“What does he want?” sheasks, a frown creasing her forehead.
I slouch back against the couch cushions, defeated. “He wants a proper relationship.”
“And why can’t you give him that?”
“What do you mean, why can’t I give him that? Isn’t the answer obvious? I need to focus on Lachie.”
Steph’s frown lines grow deeper. “Lachie is fine, Dustin. He’s a teenager. He’s going to make mistakes, no matter how close you watch him. It’s part of growing up.”
I rake my hands through my hair and sit up straight, looking away from her gaze. “I didn’t come here to find a relationship. That wasn’t the point of moving to Mineral Creek.”
“Stop trying to compartmentalize everything. Who cares if you weren’t looking for a relationship. It appears you found one.”
I nod miserably. Because I can’t deny that Jeremy is right with what he just said. We’ve been in a relationship. An incredible relationship that’s by far the best one I’ve ever had.
I recall how I felt when I touched his hand for the first time. Unbalanced, like I’d just stepped onto land after spending time at sea. But if I think about it properly, the land is actually the stable thing in the equation. You only have the perception of being off-balance when you get off a boat because you’re used to instability, and it, therefore, feels weird when you’re finally on solid ground.
I know Jeremy will be the most stable thing in my life if I let him.
“The problem is you started out parenthood as a single dad. So any relationship you’ve had since then, you’ve been too worried about how it will affect Lachie. But lots of people have successful relationships and are good parents too. The two things aren’t mutually exclusive. In fact, you’ll be a better parent if you’re happy. And it seems like Jeremy makes you happy.”
Jeremy does make me happy. There’s no denying that. In fact, I haven’t known happiness like it.
“What if it turns out I’m not a good multitasker?” I ask. “Can I risk it?”
“Can you risk letting someone like Jeremy go?”
My chest feels like it’s about to collapse at the idea of not having Jeremy in my life.
Stephanie nails me with a heavy look. “You know what? I don’t think this is completely about Lachie. I think deep down you’re scared Jeremy’s going to be another Robbie,” she says.
“Jeremy is nothing like Robbie.” My words come out with a sharp edge. It feels almost sacrilege to have Jeremy’s and Robbie’s names in the same sentence.
Her eyes don’t leave mine. “How is he different from Robbie?”
“In a thousand ways. Jeremy is the sweetest guy I’ve ever met. He’s got more integrity in his left thumb than Robbie had in his entire body. He’s funny and kind and cares about other people, whereas Robbie turned out to be a selfish asshole. Jeremy would never do anything to hurt someone. He’s the guy who listens to everything I say, who makes me laugh more than anyone I’ve ever met, but he’s got so much depth as well—”
I stop abruptly as the realization hits me like I’ve been smacked around the head.
“Oh fuck,” I say.
