Page 137 of Reckless Hearts
Saskia wipes a hand over her face, smearing her tears.
“Why didn’t you tell me about Marcus?” she asks, her voice soft. “That’s what really hurt about this whole thing, you know? The fact you didn’t think you could trust me.”
I sink farther into the couch, my fingers picking at a loose thread on my jeans. It’s easier to focus on that small destruction than meet her eyes.
“I honestly thought you’d try to make him choose between me and you,” I say.
She lets out a shaky breath as my words hang between us.
“Well, your worries were for nothing because he’d have chosen you,” she says finally.
“I don’t think he would have at the beginning,” I say quietly.
Saskia sets down her glass with deliberate care, smoothing her skirt. “I want to say something, but I don’t want you to get offended. But I’d be remiss in my big-sister duties if I didn’t say it.”
My shoulders seize up. “What is it?”
Saskia bites her lip for a second before plunging on. “Marcus… He’s not like other people, Seb. There’s something broken inside him, something dark that I’m not sure anyone can fully reach.”
I exhale deeply. I now know exactly how broken Marcus is. But I would never betray him to Saskia.
“I’m worried he’ll break your heart,” she continues.
“He’s already broken my heart,” I say. “But somehow, he managed to stitch it back together again.”
She’s shaking her head. “I just don’t see how things can work out for you guys long-term. Are you planning to leave New Zealand? You’ve got your dream job, right? And Marcus is sofocused on his career. I can’t see Marcus ever wanting to leave Hollywood and basing himself in New Zealand.”
Saskia is right on both accounts. I don’t want to leave, especially not after what just happened to Dad. And I can’t see Marcus ever being happy living in New Zealand, so far away from the bright lights of Hollywood. Besides, Marcus has made it clear that progressing our relationship isn’t on the agenda.
I stare at my hands, unable to defend against the logic of her words. But Saskia’s not done delivering hard truths.
“He’s taking too many pills at the moment,” she continues.
I snap my head up. “I know! I know this. Don’t you think I’m trying to help him? I’m trying my hardest!” My voice cracks.
Saskia looks at me. “You can’t fight someone else’s demons, Seb.”
I quite like that metaphorical image, actually. Armed with a sword, standing in front of Marcus. Slaying every demon that comes toward him. Protecting him.
But demons don’t play fair—they slip through cracks, hide in shadows, whisper in voices only Marcus can hear. They’ve had years to build their fortress inside him while I’m just standing at the gates, desperately trying to find a way in.
“I know I can’t,” I say quietly.
“Please don’t think I’m saying this out of jealousy or because I’m trying to sabotage things between you. But after everything with Tom… I couldn’t bear to see you get hurt like this too. I honestly just want the best for you.”
She’s saying it sincerely, and I believe she’s being genuine despite the complicated feelings she must have toward Marcus and me together.
“I know you do,” I say.
I gothrough the next few weeks of my life on autopilot.
I’m living for the moments when I get to video call Marcus, when I get to see his face, hear his voice.
Unfortunately, those moments aren’t frequent because Marcus is so busy. It’s like Jake is trying to make up for every second Marcus was away. He’s squeezing in all the promo stuff for his upcoming release around filming scenes for his next movie.
One Friday night, he’s scheduled to appear on the show of the TV chat darling Samatha O’Reilly. It’s Saturday in New Zealand, and I’m spending the day training fairy tern volunteers at Mangawhai. As soon as I arrive home, I track down Marcus’s interview on YouTube.
But when I watch the clip, my usual “holy shit, I get to touch that man” pang of disbelief is tempered by something else.
