Page 15 of Reckless Hearts
I tried to leave my past behind me when I left Wellington to come down to Dunedin for boarding school. I even changed my last name to my mother’s maiden name to prevent classmates from googling me and stumbling across old news articles. I didn’t want sympathy. I didn’t want pity.
All I wanted was a fresh start.
But a few months ago, Saskia and I had been drinking together up on Signal Hill, and she’d opened up to me about her struggle with an eating disorder when she was fourteen. And somehow, in the dim light and the hazy warmth of too much cheap wine, I’d been seduced into the idea that I could share some of my own secrets with my best friend. I’d confided in her about my mother’s mental health issues that led to her death.
I’d trusted her to keep it a secret.
It just proves you can never trust anyone. No one will ever fully have your back.
It appears to be a lesson I have to learn and relearn.
When I get out of the shower, I find my phone has been bombed by texts from Saskia.
Where did you disappear to?
Look, Marcus, I’m so sorry about what I said last night. I was a bitch, okay? I’m really, really sorry.
Saskia doesn’t grovel much, but when she does, she does it well, like she does everything else.
I’ll make it up to you. My shout for pizza at Phillies? Or we could go out tonight and do the hair of the dog thing.
I need to tell you all about what Jasper said to me. You’re not going to believe it.
Fuck.
I run my hand through my wet hair.
I’ve got a wide circle of friends, but Saskia is the only one I’ve let get mildly close. The only one I rely on.
I don’t think she realizes how being around her, playing the part of Marcus-the-irresponsible-charming-rogue-Saskia’s-best-friend keeps me from the yawning chasm of darkness that looms inside me.
And now I’ve potentially screwed up my friendship with her by sleeping with her brother.
Seb said he wouldn’t tell her. I won’t tell her. She never needs to know.
But my stomach hollows even as I think that.
Because I come from a family that is good at keeping secrets.
And I’ve learned that nothing remains buried forever.
5
Seb
I had sex with Marcus Johnson!
It’s always good to achieve one of your life goals at age eighteen. Take that, five-year plan.
And it wasn’t just sex. It was amazing, mind-blowing, out-of-this-world sex. The pinch-yourself-to-check-it-really-happened kind of sex.
Okay, so I don’t exactly have a vast range of experience to compare it to—but none of my previous experiences were in the same realm of existence as what happened between Marcus and me. It needs its own classification system. Hypersex. Ubersex.
The only negative about the whole experience was how full of regret Marcus seemed the next morning. I don’t want his remorse tainting the memory of the hottest night of my life.
But as much as I don’t like his regret, I understand it. I can’t deny the wrath of Saskia will rain down on his head if she ever finds out we hooked up. And Saskia on a rampage is not a sight anyone wants to see. At least not anyone with the desire to live a long and happy life.
Memories of my encounter with Marcus continue to sustain me as I float through my lectures and labs.
