Page 150 of Reckless Hearts
My hands shake as I gesture between us. “This! You. And this. Us. I can’t have more, but you make me want it.”
Seb runs his fingers through his hair, tugging at the curls in frustration. “If you need artificial substances to cope with the reality of our relationship, then we’ve got some serious fucking problems.”
I can’t breathe. Seb rarely swears, but it appears this conversation has tipped him over the edge.
“We don’t have problems,” I manage to say.
“Are you fucking kidding me? We’re in a relationship, and you don’t talk to me!” His voice cracks, raw emotion bleeding through every word.
My lips feel numb. “We talk.”
“Bullshit, we talk. This is why you want me, isn’t it? Because I’m an easy person to be with because I don’t call you on your crap. Because deep inside, I’m still that fifteen-year-old boy who can’t even speak in your presence. I’m still the eighteen-year-old who can’t believe I get to touch you.” His shoulders heave, his entire body trembling.
“I’m still the twenty-five-year-old guy who couldn’t believe you wanted me again. And so I don’t say anything, even when I see you destroying yourself.” He swallows hard before continuing in a soft voice, “Even when it’s destroying me.”
My stomach drops, a cold wave of nausea washing over me. I feel like I’ve been punched in the gut, all the air forced from my lungs.
How can I answer that?
What is it about Seb that has kept me returning to him again and again?
Maybe I believe I can’t truly be a bad person if someone like Seb wants me. Someone so pure, so good.
Someone who balances me, who gives me a dose of reality in my life that I desperately crave. In a life where I’ve constantly been adrift, Seb has been the one person who has anchored me.
He’s what I need.
But I’m worried that being with me is not good for him.
I’m worried I’ll let him down. That’s ultimately what I’m afraid of, isn’t it? I’ll let him down like I let Emmy down.
I’ll never be the person Seb needs me to be.
34
Seb
Marcus looks distraught, his handsome face a mask of anguish. His jaw is clenched so tight I can see the muscle twitching, and his usual graceful posture has crumpled like a puppet with cut strings.
Fuck. Everything I’ve been thinking, all my doubts and fears, are spilling out of me right now.
But now that I’ve started talking, I can’t stop.
“It’s getting harder and harder for us to be apart,” I say.
“I know it is.” His shoulders curve inward as he drops his gaze to his hands, which are twisted together in his lap.
“I’m worried I’m causing you to take drugs, Marcus. Can’t you see that? That this thing between us is tearing us both apart.”
I take a deep, shuddering breath and let the words continue to spill. “I just want the basics. I don’t want caviar and champagne and a glamorous lifestyle. I don’t want fancy holidays in amazing resorts or to party with the Hollywood A-list. I just want someone to come home to! Someone to give me a hug when I’ve had a bad day. Someone I can rely on to always be there for me.”
Marcus is staring at me, his chest heaving.
“I can’t be that person for you, Seb.”
I hang my head in defeat. “I know you can’t.”
Marcus has always been completely honest with me about who he is. What he can offer me.
