Page 46 of Reckless Hearts
Seb’s shoulders stiffen and his gaze flies to my face like he’s trying to work out if I’m mocking him.
Whatever he sees causes his shoulders to relax, though his frown still lingers.
“My dad thinks I should focus on physics or chemistry because there are more job opportunities.
“I think you should follow your heart,” I say softly.
His frown is replaced by a contented expression as he turns to look back at the albatross soaring over the headlands.
As we head down the path back to the car, Seb turns the conversation to me.
“What about you? What area of law do you think you’ll head into?” he asks.
“I can’t really imagine myself as a lawyer,” I admit.
A crease appears on Seb’s forehead. “Then why study it?”
I shrug.
What you study clues people in to your identity, and I was happy for law student to be my identity for a few years. It also got my father’s approval as a sensible option, and parental approval is a scarce resource in my life.
“So what do you want to do if you don’t want to be a lawyer?” Seb asks.
“I have no idea.”
And that’s the identity I’m trying to avoid. Marcus the aimless. Marcus the perpetual disappointment.
Marcus the lost.
The thought of my time as a student ending fills me with dread. I’ve only got one more year before I’ll be expected to make grownup decisions, to decide on the trajectory of my life.
Panic rises in my chest, like how I feel when I’m on a cliff looking down.
“Tell me some more fun facts about New Zealand birds,” I say.
“Did you know that the Tui can mimic human speech and even cellphone ringtones? Their vocal organs allow them to produce an incredible range of sounds.”
“You’re like having my own personal David Attenborough on tap whenever I need you.”
He gives me a shy smile.
Without thinking, I reach over and thread our fingers together.
His smile widens and my heart starts thumping.
But I keep hold of his hand, only dropping it when we reach the car.
This time we don’t take the coastal route but instead drive the road that takes us along the spine of the peninsula to the more rugged southern coastline, where the wind slams into the landscape straight off the Pacific Ocean.
We stop at Sandfly Bay, where the wind and tides have whipped the white sand into huge dunes that tower above us as we walk along the beach.
Spending time with Seb is just so easy. I don’t feel like I do when I’m with my other friends, like I’ve always got to be on, be the charming guy who spins any experience into fun.
If I were here with Saskia and the rest of the crew, what would I be doing? Jumping down the sand dunes? Trying to entice them all to go skinny dipping in the frigid water?
But I don’t need to do that with Seb.
I usually don’t like to be left alone with my thoughts, but somehow, Seb’s company stops them from spinning off into darkness, and I can just exist in the world without feeling like it is something I’ve got to conquer before it conquers me.
