Page 74 of Taming Ivy
He traced the lines of her slender fingers. “I was infatuated, but not in love. I pursued her for a year before she finally agreed to marry me. We were engaged precisely one month when she suddenly decided our wedding could not wait. Nor our intimate relationship, which up to that moment, consisted of nothing more than kisses. Of course, I reacted in typical fashion. Shocked and suspicious.” His smile was crooked, reliving the memories. “A terrible argument ensued over my refusal to do what she wanted, which inevitably led to a revelation. She was nearly four months pregnant, and quite inconveniently, I was not the father.”
“Who was it?” Ivy whispered. “Did she say?”
Sebastian sighed heavily. “She screamed it at me loudly enough. Lord Nicholas Harris March, Earl of Landon, heir to the Richforte dukedom. My closest friend, and Alan’s as well. Since Marilee’s greatest aspiration was to become a duchess, I saw no reason not to believe her. Nick had refused to marry her however, which was the only reason she accepted my offer. It seemed even he was unsure who the child’s father could be, which left Marilee only one option. To deceive me into going through with a hasty wedding and pray I was stupid enough to accept a premature infant as my own.
“Thank God, I never slept with her. I wanted her, but I had the foolish notion of saving that for our wedding night. Nicholas often questioned my infatuation with her, if I truly loved her. I thought he was ensuring my happiness, but after Marilee’s confession, I suppose he was merely playing his damned games with us both.”
Sebastian’s hand tightened over Ivy’s, the lines around his mouth turning deep and harsh. “The man was my friend! I know his secrets…things endured, things he suffered, things no man should be forced to bear. I entrusted him with my life and would have given mine for his. We were as close as brothers, but I wanted to kill him when his betrayal came to light.” His laugh turned mocking. “Yet, I could not. In a strange way, I was more enraged over his disloyalty to me than by the fact he slept with her. If only he came to me, told me he loved her, perhaps I could have accepted it, lived with it. I would have hated him, but I would have respected the fact he loved her. But not this…not this treachery and Marilee’s deception too.”
He rubbed his eyes with his free hand. “That morning, I aimed for Nick’s leg, to wound him before he killed me. God, how quickly he could have dispatched me. I’ve never known his equal in swordplay or pistols, then or since. But the fool spun about at the last second. His shot went straight up into the air. He never aimed at me, and I have never been able to reason why. In all the confusion, Marilee received word Nicholas died on the field. She hung herself in her father’s library. Damnit, despite it all, I actually pitied Nick. Although it was said I broke the engagement for no reason and he championed Marilee because of my cruelty. I was sorry because it was his child- although I suppose he never knew for certain - and an innocent child did not deserve to die.”
A long stretch of silence filled the space between them, each contemplating the sad tale and its effects on their lives now. How the actions of one woman could touch so many with such devastating results.
“Marilee took her secrets to the grave and Nick kept his silence, although I always wondered why he betrayed me for such a faithless creature. If she deceived me, she would have betrayed him too. Sooner or later.”
Ivy squeezed Sebastian’s hand, her eyes wet with tears. “Thank you,” she said. “For telling me.”
Sebastian’s eyes dropped to their clasped hands. “Ivy, I am no more to blame for Marilee’s death than you for Timothy’s. What they did, they did to themselves.”
“I’ve grown accustomed to holding myself responsible for it,” she replied simply.
“I wanted so badly to punish you,” he slowly admitted. “I wanted to punish you for Timothy. And for Marilee too. I wanted to hurt you for making me feel things I never wanted to feel. I believed you cut from the same cloth as her, using men to get what you wanted. I was wrong. You are not like her…how I ever thought that…I cannot…”
“You don’t have to explain -”
“You don’t understand, Ivy.” Lifting his gaze to hers, Sebastian’s eyes were tortured flames. “I was wrong and how I’ve suffered for my belief in your guilt. You deserve so much more than a mere apology. You should have my heart on a platter. My head in your hands, my blood at your disposal. What I’ve done to you is destroying me. I can apologize for how my aunt treated you, and for Timothy’s actions, but what I accomplished is far, far worse. You hate me. I do not blame you. But Ivy, I’m begging you…you must forgive me. For the night I took your innocence, for the evening of the Faringdon Ball. Every time I was crazed with jealousy and rage and used words to slice you. For each time I hurt you…”
Taking a deep breath, Sebastian brought her hand to his lips, kissing it over and over, a man begging for alms. “I’m probably not making much sense, but I love you. Do you understand, Ivy? I love you, I can’t live without you. Hell, I cannotbreathewithout you and I’ve no wish to. I can’t sleep. I can’t eat. I cannot tell you how many nights I drank myself into oblivion, but even that was not enough to erase your memory. You haunt my every waking moment, you invade my dreams, my nightmares, and when I wake, I want you in my arms. Ivy, Ivy, damn it to hell, I’m in absolute misery without you.”
He leaned forward, breathing against her pale lips. “Please. Marry me….so I may spend the rest of my life taking care of you, spoiling you, cherishing you. Worshiping you. Adoring you. I want to make love to you. Have you angry with me, and then smile at me in forgiveness. I want to wake beside you so I can kiss you every morning.” A desperate kiss pressed to her mouth. He licked her bottom lip, soothing the cut Basford inflicted in his cruelty. “Marry me before I lose my mind. Before I go insane. Goddamn it, marry me becauseI love you,because somewhere,hidden deep down inside your soul, you still love me too. Marry me because the next time the world crashes down around us, I might be too late to save you and that would utterly destroy me.”
Ivy did not fall into his arms and confess her love in return. Tears streamed down her cheeks. A thin, brittle shell of ice encased her. His determined gentle tapping was hardly enough to shatter the frosty exterior.
“Dear God, don’t cry,” Sebastian whispered brokenly. “Don’t cry because of me, little butterfly. I cannot bear it.”
“Sebastian, do not ask this of me. Can’t you understand? Don’t you see? Someday, you will discover this is a mistake. Then, you will hate me for being your wife…” Ivy’s voice cracked. “What you feel right now, it’s notreal. It’s not real. We both know you will change your mind.” She stiffened as his arms wrapped around her. He would not allow her to retreat behind a fortress of icy indifference. He trailed tiny, soft kisses to her forehead, her cheeks, and her chin until Ivy squirmed in silent protest.
“I will spend the rest of my life proving how precious you are to me. You do not have to love me right now; it’s enough that I love you. In time, you will trust me again.” Cupping her jaw, tipping it until her distrustful gaze collided with his, his thumb rubbed the delicate curve of her cheek. “Say yes, Ivy. Let me protect you and take care of you.”
Ivy sighed, her eyes fluttering shut as his words entranced her. She wanted to give in. She wanted to so very badly. Sebastian kissed her again, and she moaned, a weakness within her that she must hate beyond all reason. She could not resist him forever. The opium laced laudanum made everything so much easier as he pushed his will upon her.
“I told you once I am a patient man and I’ll prove it to you, if you say yes,” Sebastian murmured, folding Ivy close so all she could hear was his heartbeat. He wanted her lulled into a warm cocoon of security she could not bear to give up. “I can wait for you to trust me. I can wait for you to love me again. Forever, if I must.”
CHAPTER 23
The dark blue topaz, the size of a bluebird’s egg, surrounded by a halo of diamonds and accented by a separate thin gold band weighed Ivy’s hand down. The Ravenswood heirlooms. Delivered from London on his orders and arriving by special courier just the day before.
The ceremony was brief but memorable, mostly for the sense of entrapment gripping her when Sebastian slid both rings onto her finger. His voice was steady when repeating his vows, hers trembling and weak – especially when she vowed to obey her new husband. Those words nearly stuck in her throat. When the minister declared them married, instructing the earl to kiss the bride, Ivy was faint from the contradictory flood of emotions bombarding her.
Ivy expected a quick peck on the lips, a perfunctory nod to tradition. Nothing prepared her for the searing possession of Sebastian’s mouth. His new status as husband evidently pleased him. His arms snaked around her waist, crushing her to him in full view of God and everyone. She endured it, breathing deep to steady her nerves when the kiss ended.
“Sorry, butterfly. I could not resist.” His amused murmur tickled her ear when he finally allowed her to glide away.
In the tiny vestibule, Jonathan Kinley pulled his daughter into his arms. With cheeks suspiciously wet, he said, “You are so beautiful, sweetheart. You look so much like your mother today.” Ivy held onto her father as long as she dared, until he stepped away, complimenting her gown. For a wedding dress, she wore her coming out ball gown from last season. The virginal white flattered her, but she could not help think how hypocritical it was to wear it. How far from virginal she truly was…
Sara flew at Ivy, embracing her fiercely, so overcome she both laughed and cried with happiness. Ivy gave her the small bouquet of red roses and sweet pea she carried while Lord and Lady Morgan offered their congratulations, politely hiding their curiosity for the full story behind this hasty wedding.
“You won the race to the altar after all, Ravenswood,” Bentley joked, placing a resounding kiss to Ivy’s flushed cheek. “With such a beautiful bride, who’s to blame you?”
