Page 2 of When I Come Back
“You know I love you, right?” His words are soft, and it takes everything in me not to find them patronizing. I do know he loves me, I really have no doubt. But he doesn’t realize the statement isn’t the salve he hopes it is. Our issues aren’t about love.We had dreams. Huge, gigantic, too-big-for-a-small-town dreams. And he succeeded. He made it in this big, bustling city. He took his dreams, and he molded his new life around them all. He didn’t let anything scare or deter him. And I am so fucking proud of him, I am.
But… I can be proud of him and disappointed for myself. My dreams are still all in my head. Nothing has worked out. No doors have opened. I’ve spent the last week wondering if I should just throw in the towel and face the reality that being a small fish in a big pond is making it impossible.
Seattle is full of marketing opportunities, so I thought findingsomethingwould be easy. The problem I keep running into is all the big companies want experience. They have fifty other candidates just like me who are willing to intern for free for a year. It sets them apart. It’s not something I can afford to do. So I’ve started looking for server jobs again—anything that might pay the bills while I wait for my dream to finally become a reality the way his has.
The problem is I can’t bring myself to tell him just yet. He’s so excited about starting at the restaurant, and the last thing I want to do is dim his joy with my misery.
“Of course I know you love me, Cary,” I reply, though my voice comes out hoarse, leaning back slightly into his embrace. This is the same fight we’ve had countless times over the last year. It’s exhausting. I try to talk to him about how I don’t thinkthings will ever work out for me here. I try to tell him that I don’t think his friends like me much, his best friend Seth in particular. I just… try to explain how I’m feeling, and instead of listening, he tells me everything I’m feeling is all in my head. Then he tries to pacify me by suggesting we should go out and have some fun for once. Like that will somehow cure all our problems.
The truth is… I’m not made for city life. It’s too loud, too crowded, too fast, tooeverything. There’s nature, sure, but it’s not the same. The people aren’t nearly as friendly. I thought I could do it, I really did. I thought getting out of our small town would be freeing, and we’d live happily ever after. Turns out, circumstances make you miserable, not your zip code.
I miss my mom. I miss my friends. I miss the laid-back life of living in a small town. And that would be okay, except I know Cary doesn’t miss it. He loves Seattle. He loves this new life and his new friends.
And I love him too much to ask him to give it all up.
Like clockwork, the words slip from his lips, and the hope that he willfinallylisten to me dies just a little more. That constantly dying hope chips away at my heart each time we have this argument. “Let’s go out. We can go see that movie you were talking about the other day, maybe get dinner afterwards. It’ll be fun.”
I nod my head as I squeeze my eyes shut.
Don’t cry. Not this time. Not again.“Yeah, sure. Let me get changed.”
An exacerbated sigh leaves his lips as he leans down to kiss my cheek, I still don’t turn around. My eyes start to burn as the tears well, and my chin trembles. I somehow convince my legs to move, out of his arms and to the en suite bathroom. Just as I start to crumble, I shut the bathroom door behind me. The tears silently fall as I lower myself to the floor with my back againstthe door. This is how it always goes. I need a minute. Just one singular minute where I can let myself be sad, and then I’ll put on the happy mask again.
As I sit there and count to sixty, my muscles unravel, and my body relaxes, the tears dry up. I wipe the remnants from my cheeks and stand back up, ready to push forward again.
Present
(31 years old)
"Thea? Hello, Earth to Thea?” I jerk back as Ripley’s snapping fingers jolt me out of my memories. The stool I’m sitting on wobbles underneath me, threatening to tip over just as I catch myself on the aspen bar counter.
“Oh my God, what?” My tone is, admittedly, snarkier than I intend, but that’s what he gets for scaring the shit out of me.
“You zoned out on me. You good?” Despite my attitude, his tone is soft, and there’s concern laced in his words. It’s been less than twenty-four hours since I made the most difficult phone call of my life. One I never imagined I’d have to be the one to make.
I fully expected the responsibility to fall on Brooks' shoulders considering it’shisfamily,hisbrother, but he’s been MIA since we learned of the accident, and someone had to tell Carrington. I could have asked the sheriff to call. Then, I considered how it would feel to have the news come from someone in law enforcement and decided against it. If the roles were reversed, I’d want him to make the same decision for me.
“Yeah. Yeah, I’m fine. Just… tired,” I say as I rub my forehead and pray to anyone who will listen for these memories to stay buried where they belong. It’d been years since I was throttled down memory lane, but now it’s been nonstop since making that phone call.
Ripley shakes his head at me—his shaggy, dark hair catching the overhead light from the pendants accentuating his natural inky highlights. He pushes the black, square-rimmed glasses up his nose and makes a face at me like he doesn’t believe the lie I threw his way. You’d think after being as close as we have been for almost a decade I’d give up attempting to lie to his face, but here we are.
“You try calling your ex after eight years of no contact and telling him his parents are dead, and see how you deal with it. I shouldn’t have had to make that call. It should have been Brooks.”
His face softens as he walks around the bar, pulling out the stool beside me. “Babe, I know. I mean, I don’tknow, but I can imagine how fucking hard that was. That’s why I’m checking in on you. Did you even sleep last night? You were gone before I woke up.”
The bags under my eyes can answer that question without me saying a word. “How was I supposed to sleep after everything?”
His hand finds mine as he shakes his head. “That’s fair. Maybe you should head home? Try to nap or something.” I know he means well, I do, but if sleep didn’t find me last night, it sure as hell won’t find me now.
I squeeze his hand then lean over to kiss his cheek. “I appreciate you looking out for me, Rip. But you and I both know that’s not happening. Besides, I need to go talk to Mr. Goldfinch. Someone needs to start making arrangements for the funeral, and I don’t think it’s going to be either of their sons.” I start to slide off the stool when Rip stops me with a hand on my arm. His mossy green eyes boring into mine.
“Thea, it’s going to be okay.” I silently nod, knowing I don’t believe a word he’s saying. How could anything be okay with Owen and Hazel now gone? They were my second family, mylifelines. Everything I knew and loved changed in the matter of a moment. Everything is gone.
Nothingabout this is okay.
We decided to send the staff home. They all came in today not knowing what else to do. None of us do without Hazel and Owen steering the ship. It’s all up in the air now. It seems wrong to even be open. It feels like the whole town has stopped by today, which isn’t saying much since our population barely hits 1,500. They all wanted to tell us how sorry they are and how much the Grants will be missed.
Mrs. Davis only stopped crying long enough to tell us how much she’ll miss Hazel’s famous chocolate chip cookies. Bob couldn’t stop talking about how much he’ll miss his weekly bar crawl with Owen—which wasn’t really a crawl because they just went to Louie’s and bribed Shelley to put their favorite sports team on. Everyone is heartbroken by this tragedy.
