Page 44 of When I Come Back
Thea.
On the heels of the guilt is sheer panic.Fuck.What do I do? I was hoping to go to Seattle on Friday and end this. I knew I’d have to talk to Thea about it eventually, but I was hoping to have things settled there first. Who am I kidding? I was hoping I’d magically figure a way out of this with minimal hurt feelings and fallout.
Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.My heart still feels like it’s beating out of my chest, and I taste bile climbing up the back of my throat.
“I have to go,” I say suddenly, pulling away. Her eyes are bewildered, the confusion is clear on her face. I don’t blame her. I’m acting crazy.
“Wh—where are you going?”
“Uhh, I have to go to the restaurant. I have to prepare some stuff for tomorrow’s memorial-slash-Thanksgiving dinner.”
“Oh, can I come with you? I’d love to see it and grab a bite to eat.”
“That’s not a good idea,” I say quickly. Too quickly. “I have a lot to do, and I won’t be able to give you a tour. You’ll be bored. I’ll show you around tomorrow.” The stress in my voice is evident, and I’m at such a loss for what to do. All I know is I have to get out of here, find Thea, and try to explain… somehow. Any way I think about approaching this, it doesn’t end well, but I have to try. “Just relax here for a bit. Rest. I’ll come back later, and we can talk.”
I leave her still looking perplexed at my behavior and step outside of the hotel room. I lean back against the wall next to the door and run my hands back and forth through my hair, feeling my nails on my scalp.
I feel like I might be sick. I pull in a few deep breaths and take off down the hall, out the front door of the hotel, and to my car.
When I don’t find Thea at home, I race across town over to RED. One of the servers directs me to the distillery, where I find her alone, taking stock of inventory in the back room. As soon as I see her, my panic ebbs a bit. She’s the calm to the storm raginginside me. Although being in her presence calms me, it still feels as if there is a fist clenching around my heart.
“Thea,” I say, my voice tight. She snaps her head up and gives me the biggest smile. My heart squeezes tighter, and air seems hard to come by.
“Hi, baby,” she says. I haven’t heard the endearment from her in over eight years, and it actually makes my knees weak. She makes her way over to me, into my arms. Stepping up on her tiptoes, she kisses me gently, and for a moment everything feels right. “I missed you this morning. I was hoping to wake up with you.”
“I know, I’m sorry. I had some stuff to take care of.” I take a deep breath. “I’m leaving for Seattle on Friday.”
“Friday?” Her eyebrows shoot up, and her voice is a whisper. “Are you—” she clears her throat, stepping away from me, “are you coming back?” I instantly feel the loss of her body heat. Her eyes have hardened, guard up.
“Yes. Yes, definitely. I just… I have a lot to do there,” I stutter out. “Listen, we have to talk—” Before I even finish my sentence, she’s turning away and grabbing the papers she was working on before.
“If you want to talk, you’ll have to walk and talk. I have a lot to get done,” Thea clips out, already making her way out the door. I hurry to follow after her. Clearly, I’ve said something wrong, but I don’t have the ability to figure it out right now. I just need to tell her… something. I need to get ahead of everything, so when it undoubtedly blows up in my face, I can find a way to salvage this.
Her pace has picked up, and she’s speed-walking away from me toward the main restaurant. I rush to her side and catch up as she’s walking through the doors.
“Please, just slow down. I need to—” I freeze just as we get to the bar. Thea notices my sudden stop and turns to look at meand then follows my line of sight to the woman sitting on one of the stools, drink in hand.
All the ways I could have prevented this moment flash through my mind, none of them are helpful in kick-starting my heart or brain. I’m frozen in place and at a complete loss at what to do.
“There you are,” she says from where she’s seated, her smile as warm as ever.
“Here I am,” says Thea, confused.
Oh fuck, oh fuck, oh fuck.I still can’t get myself to do anything. This must be a lucid nightmare.
“Wait, oh my God. You’re the girl from the coffee shop.” Thea’s confusion has turned to delight, which in turn makes me scrunch my brow.
“Iris,” says Iris, now approaching. When she reaches us, it’s as if time slows down and everything around the three of us fades away. In exquisitely painful clarity, I watch as Iris slides her arm around my waist, fitting herself into my side with a sweet smile on her face. My shoulders are bunched, but out of pure habit, my arm comes up and encircles her shoulder, holding her to me. My eyes make their way to Thea’s face, her eyebrows are at her hairline in confusion and disbelief.
“Oh,” Thea breathes out. It’s more a sigh than a word. “You—you’re—Cary’syour fiancé?” Now it’s my turn to be confused. How does she know that?
“You know?” I say to Thea. She holds my eyes for a long moment. She’s pulled her lips between her teeth. Her face is blank, but I see the hurt in her eyes. I see her chest moving rapidly with her breaths. She’s almost vibrating with emotion.
She clears her throat and forces a smile, shifting to look at Iris. “Yeah, I met yourfiancéethis afternoon. I ran into her at the coffee shop. She didn’t catch me at the best moment, I must say.” Her tone kills me. Iris isn’t catching the tension in her voicebecause Thea is an expert in hiding her hurt, but I know she’s dying a little inside.
“I had no idea you were Cary’s manager, Thea,” says Iris in her usual gregarious way. “He’s told me about how well you’ve been running things here. The restaurant is beautiful.” I wince.
“Manager… right.” The tone in her voice drives a stake into my heart. I silently will her to look at me, but she’s avoiding my eyes.
