Page 54 of When I Come Back
“You could never be ‘the other woman’ for me, Thea.” The words come out sounding so certain, like there’s no doubt in his mind. He must know it makes him seem like a terrible person even if the words he’s saying are sweet. I’m not sure how I’m supposed to feel about it all to be honest. How can I love someone who slept with me while engaged to another woman? A man who didn’t even tell me he was with someone. The whole thing is making my head spin.
I decide to push him on his statement because, regardless of our relationship, he asked another woman to marry him. He took that leap with someone else. “But I am, Cary. You moved on, you asked someone else to marry you. How does that not make me the other woman in your life?”
He runs his hand down his face like he’s preparing himself for what he’s about to say. “Do you seriously think it’s possible for me to move on from you? I know it may look like I did. I didn’t realize until I came back and saw you that I’ve been waiting for you for eight fucking years, Thea. There’s no moving on from you. From the moment I met you, I was fucking doomed to love you for the rest of my life.Youleftme, remember?”
Those last words have my heart in a chokehold, squeezing the remaining life out of it. “Why—why didn’t you come for me then? You let me go so fucking easily… I thought—I thought you didn’t want me anymore…”
The noise that leaves his mouth sounds like someone knocked the breath out of him. “Didn’t—what? You thought I didn’t want you? Thea, I was planning to propose to you the night you left. All of our friends were waiting inside of that restaurant. Instead, I had to tell them you’d left, and I didn’t know when or if you were coming back.” He pauses, but I can’t make words come out in response, all I can do is stare down atmy hands again as I try to sort through what he’s saying. As I try to not break from his words right here on this couch. I had no idea he’d planned on proposing, no inkling that dinner was anything more than just the first night in his new position like I was told.
“You were miserable when we lived here. Then when we moved to Seattle, you eventually became miserable there too. I don’t know what I was supposed to think when I was the only common denominator between the two. And with the way you left… you made it look so easy, Thea. So I assumed you were the one who didn’t want this relationship anymore. And it wasn’t like I ever got the chance to ask you. You ended us with one fucking phone call. Going after you felt selfish at that point, when it was so clear you didn’t want this anymore.”
My eyes shoot up to find his face. I never knew he felt that way. I’ve never heard him discuss his feelings like this. I never knew he understood how unhappy I was. It was never about him though. He was the only thing holding me together. “You… knew…?”
A sarcastic laugh escapes him. “Yeah, I fucking knew. I was constantly walking on eggshells around you. I didn’t feel like I could do or say anything right. Everything I said and did just seemed to make it worse. And I didn’t know what was wrong or how to even tr—”
“Your dreams came true, Cary! You got everything you wanted,” I’m screaming now, letting my voice rise with the emotions thrumming through me. “And it all just fell into your lap. You made connections with your instructors, who then gave you these amazing opportunities. I was drowning. Constantly floundering through life there. Nothing was working out. It felt like I was fighting a never-ending uphill battle.” I pause, taking one full second to inhale a deep breath before I continue with the truth I’m finally ready to say. “All I fucking wanted was tosucceed, but being in Seattle, constantly being told I wasn’t a good enough option for people… it’s the worst I’ve ever felt about myself.” My voice sounds breathless as my past insecurities creep into my present.
“Why didn’t you tell me any of this before? I was there, Thea. I was right fucking there waiting for you to talk to me instead of crying in the bathroom. The first time, I expected you to come out and talk to me about it, to let me in. You never did. Every fucking time, you came out and acted like nothing happened. Like you didn’t just spend ten solid minutes bawling on the bathroom floor. What was I supposed to do with that? I didn’t even know how to talk about my own emotions without someone else bringing them up, so I wasn’t capable of pushing you to talk about yours.”
A tear falls down my cheek at his words. I never realized that me hurting was hurting him, but I see it now. I feel it in my soul. I’d never meant to cause him any pain. I’d tried to keep it close enough to my chest that it didn’t burden him too. I’d just kept hoping it would go away. “I don’t know, but I never meant to hurt you…”
Once again, he scoffs. “You leaving is what hurt me, Thea. It fucking gutted me.”
Another tear falls. “Cary, I—I didn’t want to leaveyou. The last thing I wanted was to leave you. But I also didn’t want to hold you back. I knew you’d choose me over your dream if I asked you to come with me, and I couldn’t let you do that.”
He jumps up from the couch again, pacing the room in front of me a couple of times before he finally stops. “No, you don’t get to do that. Mydreammeant nothing—fucking nothing—without you, Thea. I was a husk of a man after you left. Nothing felt right, nothing made me feel alive anymore. Fuck. The most alive I’ve felt in the last eight years has been the moments I was inyourkitchen. Atyourrestaurant. Withyourstaff andyouthere.Don’t you get it? You took my choice away. You made all the choices for the both of us, and I got no fucking say in it. Do you realize how fucked up that is?”
I just stare at him, breathing in and out, as I let my anger come back up to the surface. I’m aware of how much work he must have done to be able to be so emotionally open with me, but I can’t see past my anger right now.
I know I’ve made mistakes. I didn’t handle things as well as I could have, but I was young. I was a fish out of water in Seattle. Then my mom got sick, and I didn’t know how to deal with it all. I made decisions in the heat of the moment, thinking it was what was best for us both. And yes, I’d hurt us both in the process. What I didn’t do was replace him with someone new. I didn’t cheat on my fucking partner with him. He doesn’t get to act like our mistakes are equal because they aren’t.
“Not as fucked up as cheating on the person you planned to marry,” I grit out before standing up from the couch and making my way to my bedroom. I grab his shirt from my floor and stomp out to the living room. Tossing the shirt at Cary, I turn back to my bedroom, shooting over my shoulder, “Get out of my fucking house.”
I slam the door behind me then slide down it with my hands over my face to cover the noise of my impending breakdown. Just a few seconds later, I hear the front door slam shut in retaliation, and the sound allows the dam inside my heart to break free. The storm that had been brewing in my chest is released and ready to tear me apart until there is nothing left.
Chapter Twenty-Five
Thea
Ifasten the last button on my brown, long sleeve, corduroy button-up dress. It feels fitting for Thanksgiving, and it’s still warm enough that I won’t be cold despite the dress only going down to mid-thigh. It is, however, too chilly out to pair it with the heels I was originally planning to wear. I’m already running late—thanks to the fight with Cary this morning—but decide I need to change them out for my white pointed-toe knee-high boots.
As I’m slipping them on, my eyes catch on my rings. Just seeing the ones Cary has given me over the years makes my blood boil. I quickly change those out too before finally grabbing my keys and purse to leave.
I haven’t told anyone about our blowup this morning, and honestly, I won’t be surprised if Cary doesn’t show up. I wish I didn’t have to go. If it wasn’t our annual Thanksgiving lunch at RED, I probably wouldn’t. But Travis and Melody are coming, along with Tiffany and her current boyfriend. The rest havefamilies they spend the holiday with but will still pop by for a drink.
It’s been a tradition since Hazel and Owen took over Indigo Hill Diner. When we renovated and reopened as Ripple Effect Distillery and Restaurant, the tradition was one of the very few things that remained the same. It’s our first one without them, so using it as a memorial feels right. We’ll spend it giving thanks we got to know such wonderful people and for the amazing loved ones we still have.
I miss them so much it hurts sometimes. I feel their loss every day. It comes in waves now, and today is already a shitty one.
As I pull into the parking lot, I see Cary’s rental parked in our employee area. My eyes instantly roll, and I wonder how important it is that I’m here. Technically, he’s the majority share owner. I’m just… the manager—I may own forty-nine percent, sure, but what does that matter if he has the final say? I park my car a few spaces down from his and throw my head back into the headrest.
One more day.
As I’m exiting my car, a woman’s voice calls my name from a few spaces down. I look over to see Tiffany walking my way. “Oh, good, I thought I’d be the only one running late,” she says, followed by a small, nervous-sounding laugh.
“Outfit dilemma,” I respond, looking down at my boots and shrugging my shoulders.
We walk toward the front door together, her boyfriend trailing behind. “Oh, you don’t have to explain it to me, I changed five different times before we left the house, and it wasn’t even because of the weather.” She smirks as she turns around to walk backward so she’s face to face with her boyfriend. “Isn’t that right, baby?”
