Page 62 of When I Come Back
“You know, I told Margot something was up,” my mom says after I finish telling her everything that’s transpired between me and Cary since I saw her last. It’s later than I usually come by, almost seven now. She’s already in bed and was watching ‘Days of Our Lives’ reruns when I walked in. The woman thrives on soap opera dramas, which is good considering the show is on season fifty-nine, so it’s unlikely she’ll ever have to be without it. “And the second you walked in here wearing different rings confirmed it before you even opened your mouth.”
I look down at my fingers, the missing ones are glaringly obvious to me, but I didn’t think anyone else would notice. “I just… needed some distance,” I say from the chair next to her bed. I’m sitting so close my knees are pressed up against the mattress.
She laughs in response, making my eyes shoot up to her. “What’s so funny?” I ask.
“Baby, if you think taking off those rings is going to magically make your love for him disappear, you’re sorely mistaken,” she says, her voice softening as her laughter dissipates.
“So what do I do then?”
She tilts her head before asking, “What do you want?”
“It doesn’t matter what I want,” I say as I pull my lip into my mouth, biting on the edge.
“First off, it always matters what you want. Second, you’ve known that boy a long time, and he never once cheated on you or gave you the impression he ever would,” she says in his defense. And she’s right, but that was before.
“So it shouldn’t bother me that he cheated on someone else? Or that he lied to me?” I retort.
“You should absolutely give him hell for lying to you. But you also need to remember that you lied by omission. For some unknown reason, you had him and everyone else convinced you and Ripley were together.” She pauses for a moment, sipping from the glass of water beside her. “And as for him cheating, he cheated on someone elsewithyou. I am not condoning it, but I think it’s worth noting that his love for you meant more to him than a relationship that came after you.”
“So you’re saying I should forgive him?” I ask incredulously.
“I’m saying,” she starts, grabbing my chin so I can’t look away, “don’t waste time being mad that someone loves you enough to throw everything else in their life away. It may not be the grand gesture you expected, but it’s grand nonetheless. Unconventional. Possibly scandalous. But still grand. Life is too short to waste more time being upset about it all. You two have already spent so much time apart. Don’t waste a second chance on something as trivial as a mistake.” She lets go of my chin, cupping my cheek instead.
“I just don’t know how to trust him again,” I say as tears start to form. It’s the real issue with forgiving him. I can see past what he did. She’s right, it should mean something, and it does. My problem is the lying. I might not have corrected him when I knew he thought I was with Ripley, but at least he knew Ripleyexisted. I didn’t even know about Iris. He had the opportunity to ask if I was in a relationship, I didn’t.
I can’t trust he means what he says. I believed every word he told me, then I found out he was with someone else. That revelation made all his words feel watered down. Moments with him that felt like we were mending what was broken between us are shadowed in doubt now.
“It’ll come with time, love. He has to get a chance to earn your trust back first. And it may happen quicker than you think,” she tries to assure me. She’s holding my hand now, the smallest tremor moving through her hand to mine.
“What if he ends up resenting me?” My voice is almost a whisper.
“Why would he ever resent you, Thea?” The confused look on her face tells me she seriously doesn’t see a way that he could. It’s the fear I’ve always had though. It’s the reason I never asked him to come back with me—to choose me. I didn’t ever want to be a burden to him or feel like a consolation prize while he missed out on his dreams.
“Because he hates Indigo Hill…” I trail off, not needing to elaborate. Even my mom knows how much he wanted to leave this town when we were kids. It was all he ever talked about. I don’t think anyone was surprised when he left, they were just surprised he never came back, not even to visit.
“Didn’t you say he sent you a message saying he hates Seattle now too?” I roll my eyes thinking back to the texts he’s sent throughout the week. I’ll never admit it, but the admission that he is starting to hate it there did make me smile, just a little.
“I mean… yeah… but I feel like he’s just saying that to win me over,” I muse. Another feeling I’ve had that I haven’t said out loud until now.
She shifts on her bed so she isn’t having to turn her neck as much. “Darling, people don’t uproot their entire lives forsomeone they don’t love deeply. You’re focusing too much on the what-ifs and everything that can go wrong.”
“Because it already went wrong once,” I remind her.
“No. You came home because of me,” she says, stopping for a moment to let it sink in. Again. We’ve had this discussion plenty of times over the years. “We don’t know that things wouldn’t have worked out between you two if you hadn’t come back here after my accident. He was about to propose. You could have been married with little ones by now.”
“I don’t know…”
“I do,” she responds with all the confidence she can muster. “Everyone hits rough patches, love. Not all rough patches end relationships. It’s clear neither of you truly moved on, so maybe you owe it to you both to try again. Those what-ifs in your head are going to haunt you if you don’t. We both know that.” She’s right. God, is she right. They’ve already haunted me for the last eight years. I’m not sure I can do a whole lifetime of what-ifs when it comes to him.
“Yeah… okay, Mama,” I finally concede. This is why I come to her. She’s always given me the best advice without sugar-coating it. She’s never once told me to take the easy way out. She always pushes me to do what’s going to make me happy, regardless of how hard the trek will be to get there.
“Okay. Now get out of here. It’s getting late. You better come see me on Sunday still.” I look over to the clock sitting on her bedside table and see it’s been almost an hour now. I push my chair back away from the mattress, lean down to grab my purse, then stand.
“I will, I promise. I love you, Mama,” I say as I lean over to kiss her cheek.
“I love you too, Thea Bean.”
I exit the room, shutting the door softly behind me, already hearing she’s turned her show back on. I can’t help the smalllaugh that escapes my lips at hearing the familiar voices I grew up with. I walk down the hall and say a quick goodbye to Margot, hug her, and assure her I’ll have Brooks reach out.
