Page 83 of Fighting for You
I open my mouth to say more, but she’s already pulling her hands from mine. This is it. This is the part where she tells me she could never love someone like me. No one could.
Her fingers graze my chin, pulling my gaze back to hers. Those same tears holding on for dear life.
“You deserve so much, Brooks. I know you don’t see it, but you do. And you are a dumbass.” She chuckles, the sound breathing life back into me. “I never planned on breaking your heart. I was all in with you. But I can’t be with someone wholashes out by hurting me because of his own hang ups. It’s not fair to me…”
Her hand falls back to her lap. I’m left confused at her words. I can’t tell if I’m being forgiven or told to fuck off. “I… I know, Margot. I really do. And it—Fuck. It will never happen again. I swear.” I don’t even know why I’m pleading my case without her asking me to. She’s given me no reason to think she wants to hear it.
“I want to believe you, I really do. But you were so cold the night of the party. You acted like you didn’t care.” Despite her words, there’s a spark of hope.
“Baby, I care. I care so much it hurts. And I want you. I want to be with you. I don’t care about Tiffany or anyone else. I just want you. And I’ll do anything—anything at all to prove it to you. Please, give me another chance, I’m begging you.” My voice cracks on the last words, and I watch as a tear falls, finally breaking the dam. “I love you, Margot. I fucking love you. So much. I’ve known it for weeks now. I was just so fucking scared.”
I’ve never seen her speechless. Her face is blank, no trace of emotion to tell me which direction this will go. A part of me is preparing to take it back, but she finally speaks. “Anything?”
“Anything,” I say nodding my head, hoping this means I’ve convinced her.
“I don’t want you to fight anymore.”
I jerk back. “Wh-what?” I stutter, trying to understand.
“No more fighting. I can’t… I can’t be with someone who spends their free time risking their life and hurting others.”
“I—Margot, I’m not—riding my motorcycle is more dangerous than The Pit.”
She’s giving me the kind of stern look a mother would give her son, it’s unbreakable. There’s no twisting her arm on this, she’s serious.
“I don’t think you understand what you’re asking of me…” I trail off, not wanting to get too upset.
She nods. “I do understand, I really do.”
Jumping up from the bed, I grab the sides of my head with both hands, squeezing to ease the fucking turmoil building in my brain. “No, you don’t.” I’m louder now, not screaming but louder than before. She doesn’t get it. Someone perfect like her never could. “You aren’t—you’re notbrokenlike me, Margot. You don’t understand this ache in my chest, the unsteadiness I feel constantly, the need for control in just one aspect of my life.” Pacing the floor now, I meet her eyes again, fresh tears falling down her beautiful cheeks. “You don’t get it. Being in The Pit, being in control in that way, it’s the only way I can cope. It’s the only way I’veeverbeen able to cope. The second the bell rings, everything else goes silent.”
She’s looking at me like I’m a wild animal she’s scared to spook. “Okay…” she says, nodding her head. “Okay. What do you mean everything goes silent?”
It’s not what I expect her to ask. “I mean… the constant voice in my head telling me I’m not good enough. Not deserving. Not amounting to anything. Not someone people can depend on. Literally every fuck up constantly plays on a loop. Every conversation where someone I love tells me how I let them down. And I just… Fuck. It hurts, Margot. It hurts so fucking much. But when I’m in The Pit, when I’m in control of my body with a singular goal in mind, all of it goes quiet.” I’ve never bared myself like this to anyone. I’ve never talked about my struggles. I’ve never explained why I am the way I am to anyone. But also… no one has ever asked. No one but Margot. It’s always Margot.
She leaps up from the bed, jumping into my arms in such a rush, I almost don’t catch her in time. She buries her face in my neck. “You are deserving, Brooks. You deserve to be loved and to feel loved. I wish you would accept that youareloved. And notjust by me—by Cary and Thea and Ripley and my brother. We all love you. Just… let us.”
Did she just…“You love me?”
She leans back in my arms, bringing her hands to my face to cup my cheeks. “I do,” she says, the gleam back in her light green eyes. “So we’ll find something to replace the fighting, okay? We’ll figure something out to give you the same feeling. I promise. Just please, please tell me you won’t be reckless anymore. It’s my one condition, Brooks.”
I don’t know which is more terrifying: the idea of losing her for good or the thought of never again having the control I crave. I’ve already quit drinking for her. She doesn’t know, but I did.
The realization hits me square in the chest. If I can give something up without her even asking, why am I questioning if I can give this up for her too? Drawing and sex also clear my mind. It doesn’t work as well, but maybe it can be enough.
She’s the only person who’s ever said I’m worthy of love. There are no ‘buts’ with it either, no caveats.
“Okay, but you have to quit The Pit too,” I say, and she pulls me to her, crashing her lips to mine. My fingers dig into the flesh just below her ass as I press her even closer.
She pulls away but only far enough to lean her forehead against mine, our lips just a breath apart. Nodding, she says, “I will fight for you. I’llkeepfighting for you. Because you deserve it.”
I kiss her again, soft this time, less demanding. “I love you, Freckles.”
Wrapping her arms around me, she buries her face back in my neck, holding as tight as possible. “I love you too, Killer. But don’t think you’re off the hook entirely. I’m still upset. I might be for a while, but I do love you, and I want to be with you.”
I pepper her face with kisses, her beautiful laugh filling the tense air around us.
“Okay, okay, okay!” she screams. “Can I go take a shower now? I feel gross.” She’s wiggling in my arms, attempting to make me put her down.
