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“I’m here, sweet girl. Everything okay? It’s late. Can’t sleep?”
There’s hustle and bustle happening all around her—I can feel it. But Mom’s focus is on me. It always has been since I was a little girl.
The need to talk about what I’m feeling is stronger than ever. “Can I talk to you about something?”
“Always. You don’t ever have to ask. I’m here to listen,” she reassures me.
And she always has.“I want to have a baby.”
Her sweet sigh infiltrates through the line. “Oh, honey. I know you do. And I know how much you want to meet someone, too.”
Snuggling into my blanket, I fight the tears from falling. The emptiness I feel consumes me. It’s just me, doing life alone. It always has been. But I want so much more for myself than to be alone.
“I do. But I’m thirty-five and it doesn’t look like meeting anyone is in the cards for me anytime soon, Mom. As much as I try not to compare myself to everyone around me having babies and meeting their partners, it hurts. It’s hard to see them living my dream. The only one I’ve ever really wanted. I’m so happy for them, but when I let myself think about it…the void feels unbearable.”
“Tenley, honey. Give it time. You’ll meet someone. It may not be how you plan, but that special someone is out there for you. I’m sure of it.”
I love her for believing that, but it doesn’t make it easier or change the fact that there’s no one I’m even interested in. “I went to the doctor to see what my options are. He told me about a procedure that may be perfect for what I’m wanting.”
“Which is what?”
“Intrauterine insemination,” I tell her, unsure how the rest of this conversation will go.
“Honey. But why?” Mom cries out. “I mean, I understand, but what’s the rush?”
I know I don’t owe anyone an explanation, but I want her support more than anything.
“I want a child to love, Mom. I don’t know how else to explain it other than it feels like my purpose. Plus, it’s smart to get pregnant now before I’m considered high-risk and the chance of complications is too big. Trust me, it’s not how I saw my life playing out, but I’m choosing to make the most of where I’m at right now. This is something I know I can give myself, and I don’t need a partner to do it.”
“I’m proud of you for that, honey. I really am. But this is a big step. Are you sure you’re ready for that kind of change? Mentally, physically, and financially?”
More than anything in this world.“There’s no doubt in my mind. I’m finally steady in a job that pays more than I need, truly. I’m debt-free. I don’t have anything or anyone tying me down. It’s just me.”
“That’s my biggest regret,” Mom sighs solemnly, making me wonder what she means.
“What is?”
“Not having any more children. You’ve been alone your whole life, Tenley. I realize now how lonely that must have been for you. Your father and I tried to give you everything we could, but I can’t help but wonder if we did it all wrong.”
Never. They did it all perfectly.
“Plenty of kids go without siblings. It’s okay, Mom. I’d like to think I turned out okay.”
“Of course you did. But I still have my regrets.”
“I understand. I respect yours and Dad’s choice not to have any more kids. But I think that’s why I want a family so badly. I want my house to feel like a home with so much love to give, knowing they’ll love me back the same. I may be single, but I’m not willing to sacrifice my dreams just because I haven’t found a man to love me.”
“Well, I support you, sweetie. I wish you would wait and give yourself time to meet someone, but I understand the urgency. You have my full support, and I know your father’s too. Just promise me you’ll keep us in the loop and be careful. If you need money or anything at all, don’t be afraid to reach out. That’s why we’re here, sweetheart.”
“I know, Mom. And I love you both for that. I have an appointment coming up with the doctor to get the process started. I’ll keep you updated.”
I can hear my dad’s voice draw closer in the background, telling me it’s almost time for them to board. “Tenley, we’ll call you when we land in Cape Town, okay?”
I smile to myself, feeling lighter already. “Okay, Mom. Tell Dad I love him. Safe travels.”
“Sleep tight, my baby girl.”
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