Page 31 of Brainwashed
Long Island University Housing
Our family unit was running on fumes by the time I graduated high school.
Mom and Dad fought constantly, which wasn’t exactlynews, except that for the last six months, their fighting would often result in Dad leaving the house. Mom would be screaming at him, as she did, and he would just walk out, not to be seen or heard from again until the next morning. A few times, he was gone for days.
Of course, Zach and I didn’t know where he went during these little retreats. Now that I’m thinking about it, he probably just went to a hotel, or maybe to the home of a mistress. But at the time, it was one of those things that feltdetrimental. An action that holds the potential to forever destroy life as you know it.
Our father wasleaving us, and if he had it in him to leave for a night or two, then what would stop him from leaving forever?
My going off to college came at the perfect time. Divorce was right around the corner for my parents, plus Cameron had left. The year prior, he’d vanished into thin air. One day he was there, living up the street, riding his bike past my house and smiling, finding excuses to tackle me to the ground and pretend to kick my ass, which I likedwaytoo much. And the next, he was gone.
I still remember his face the last time I saw him… He looked sad.Broken. He wouldn’t tell me what was wrong, but all I wanted in the whole world was to make him happy again. I just wanted to see that smile…
When I found out he’d left, I went straight to his sister, Cassie, who told me he’d run away. She was gone two months later herself, having left to live with her aunt.
I couldn’t believe it. My two best friends… myonlytwo friends… were no more. After that, going to college was more than just something I wanted to do in order to feel normal and get away from home. It became my escape plan.
Sure, the thought of being invisible in a larger setting stressed me out, but at least in college, I was away from my family. At least there I could study things I actually had an interest in, like behavioral psychology and mortician studies—I know, I know.
I could play the part of the normal, introverted freshman and hopefully chase away the restlessness that had been building andbuildinginside me; the eagerness I held in my chest for something I couldn’t comprehend, which had become so stifling at times I could barely think straight.
I wanted to get away from all of it and have a fresh start. I had been accepted to Long Island University in Brooklyn, and I decided that was where I would go.
That fall, I moved into my new home. Kings Hall, dorm room 25B.
Mom, Dad, and Zach drove me to campus and moved me in. I remember the day, all of us puttering around my room like we were a normal family. Really, I was just anxious to get rid of them. Anxious to switch my personality from Felix Darcey, lonely boy from the Connecticut suburbs, toFelix Darcey, college student and resident of the greatest city in the world.
Before they left, my dad gave me one of only three hugs he’s ever given me.
The first one was when I was a boy, after I overheard a fight between him and my mother, wherein they’d been arguing about how strange I was. And the third and final hug would occur on the Thanksgiving before I was arrested. I’d gone to see him for the holiday, and I told him I wasdoing great, which I mean…Ithink I was.
Fucking and slaughtering to my heart’s content.
Anyway, when my father hugged me goodbye in my dorm room—hug two of three—he pulled me close and said, “I’m proud of you, son.”
A wave of bliss crashed over me. It was unlike anything I’d ever felt before. I was overjoyed that my dad washuggingme and telling me he wasproud… I could never be sure, after all. He’d never given me any real inclination that he cared about what happened to me. As long as I was doing what I was supposed to, like going to school, getting decent grades, not openly killing animals for the world to see…
But as it turned out, hedidcare.Thiswas the human moment I’d been craving. The affection I’d always dreamt of from my father.
And then he said, “Don’t be surprised, but when you come home for winter break, I won’t be there. Your mother and I are getting a divorce.”
He pulled away, patted me on the back, and left.
I was almost stupefied. I just couldn’t process it. Here I thought I was having a real connection with my father for the first time in pretty much ever, but all he was thinking about was leaving my mother. Who knew if he was evenactuallyproud of me, or if he was only saying what he thought he should say to his son on the day he goes off to college. Or trying to placate me, to lessen the blow of impending divorce.
It was so achinglytypical. It pissed me off that I was even upset.
My mother and Zachary hugged me goodbye, but I didn’t feel it. I couldn’t be concerned with the blathering Mom was doing, about making sure to clean up after myself and eat right. It was all just background noise.
They were getting a divorce. I’d known it was coming, but for some reason, it still hit me like the proverbial ton of bricks. I wandered in and out of consciousness for hours after that. I went for a walk around the campus, but I couldn’t tell you what I did or who I saw. I was in a fog.
Until I got back to my dorm room, and was met with vibrant blue eyes and jet black hair.
“You must be Felix.” The broad-shouldered boy smiled and stepped over, extending his hand. “I’m Isaac.”
“You’re…” I breathed, my voice dissolving as I tried to keep from openly gawking. “My roommate…”
“Guilty as charged.” His smile widened as I took his hand, shaking it slowly.
