Page 50 of Brainwashed
He’s silent for a full thirty seconds before he says, “We’ll get to your arrest. For now, I’d like to start with your upbringing.”
“Ask away.” I fold my hands on my lap to mirror his. “I’m an open book.” He moves his hands to rest on his thighs, so I do the same.
He crosses his arms over his chest. “What is your earliest childhood memory?”
My head drops back and I look at the ceiling while I think. “Hmm… earliest childhood… memory… Oo! I know. My father brought home a microscope and let me look through it.”
“How old were you?”
“Let’s see, it was before Zach was born, so I must have been like three.”
His head lilts to the side. “You enjoyed that time, didn’t you? Interacting with your father.”
Something about the way he’s speaking makes me shift. “Yes…”
“You looked up to him…” Again, it’s not a question. He’s notaskingme, because he feels like he already knows, and it’s bothering me.
“Yea,” I mumble. “I looked up to my father. So what? A lot of kids do.”
He blinks at me. “Is it important to you that your childhood wastypical?”
“What the hell does that even mean?” I growl, then shake my head.Wow, can we go back to the silent sessions, please? This guy is irritating me already.
“It doesn’t mean anything, Felix.” He speaks smoothly.Superior. “It’s just a question.”
“Okay, okay, we get it.” I roll my eyes. “You’re a genius shrink who can sniff out all my issues just from reading through my file.” I lean forward. “If I’m so easy to pin down, then why even ask me questions about my childhood?”
He’s quiet for a moment, staring at me with those inquisitive eyes. I can’t help how my frustration retreats inside me and I slouch.
“Felix, let’s get this right out of the way,” Dr. Love says calmly. “I’m here to study you, to pick you apart in ways you’ve never experienced before. My job is to cut you open and pull out every little morsel that makes you special, then deliver it to Manuel Blanco. Metaphorically, of course.”
His lips move in the slightest hint of a smirk. Blink and you’d miss it. But still, it was a mesmerizing thing to witness.
“I want to make sure we’re on the same page here,” he goes on. “This isn’ttherapy. We won’t be discussing your feelings and the instances that have led you to become the man you are in order tofixyou. You cannot be fixed.” He pauses while his words swirl around in the air like a puff of smoke. “We are going to learn from you, Felix Darcey. Take pride in that, because it’s all you have left to offer.”
I’m weighted to the couch, just staring at him with my mouth agape.
No one has ever said anything like that to me before. It’s offensive, and kind of dehumanizing. But at the same time, I can’t help the ease that’s washing over me.
You cannot be fixed.
“You think I was… born this way?” I ask him, my voice coming out quietly engrossed.
His gaze grips mine tight. “What do you think?”
“I think it’s the only thing that makes sense,” I whisper.
Dr. Love’s eyes squeeze mine hard for a moment more before he shifts in his seat and says, “Let’s expand on that.”
“’Kay,” I breathe, fully hypnotized by this man. I have no idea how he’s managed to do it so fast…
Is it because he so clearly isn’t afraid of me? Is it because he’s one of the few people who doesn’t think something went wrong in my life to make me this way? Is it because, despite how goddamn cliché it sounds, he reminds me of my father?
Or is it a combination of all of it?
“Tell me how you felt as a child,” he commands, a gentle one. It seems like this is as close toaskingas he gets.
I recline on the couch. “For as long as I can remember, I’ve been invisible…”
