Page 54 of Brainwashed
“I was too young,” he hums nostalgically. “The feelings were still toonew. And I’d just gotten away, on my own, you know?” His fingers tap on the couch. “It took a lot of alone time before I came to terms with it… And even then, I didn’t reallywantto kill Emmanuel.” He stops and his lips quirk. “At least, not at first.”
My stomach twists in mild excitement. This is news. I’d assumed he went into each kill with a desire for it. I’m already getting so much out of him, and it feels like sitting down at a casino table and winning your first hand.
“Let’s expand on that.” I speak firmly, stowing my eagerness. “What happened in your apartment on Amity Street that led to Emmanuel?”
He leans back in his seat, an air of confidence surrounding him all of a sudden. The way he’s looking at me right now is almost joyous. Like a jovial delight, not only to regale me with the tales of what he’s done, but also for the mere fact that I care. I think he clearly enjoys the attention, which isn’t a first for serial killers. But still, it’s exciting as hell to be present for.
“I started living there right at the end of freshman year, so I had my own place all summer before I needed to get back to school. That was when I learned firsthand about New York City’s gay scene.” He brings his hands up and presses his fingers into a teepee shape. “Of course, I was still figuring myself out, and I definitely wasn’t good at picking up guys. So mostly I just went to the clubs and watched people. Ilovedwatching them interact. It was almost more fun that doing it myself.”
“How so?”
“When I watch people, I don’t have to worry about trying to be cool. Coming up with witty remarks, or worrying about being a bad kisser…”
“Do you think you’re a bad kisser?” I ask him out of nowhere, sort of startling myself with the question.
He tugs his lower lip between his teeth before answering. “At the time, I didn’t really know what I was doing. I’d only ever been with Bobby…”
“Who’s Bobby?” My voice comes out deep, even to my ears.
What’s wrong with me??
Felix shifts. “Bobby Bellows. My first boyfriend. I… lost my virginity to him.”
My chin dips in a brief nod. I hadn’t intended to ask him about his sexual history just yet, but I guess we’re falling into it.
He told me yesterday that he always felt different, and that mirrored his discovering of his sexuality. Like, when all the boys would talk about girls and he knew he had no interest in it.
“You didn’t want to kill Bobby?” I ask him, sincerely interested.
He scoffs out a laugh, shaking his head. “No.”
“Why not?” My brow lifts, curious about that reaction.
“Because I didn’t want to keep him.” He chuckles. “He was too much as it is.”
His words stick in my brain as my spine stiffens.Bingo.My first big, juicy morsel.
I’m so excited I’m feeling jittery.
“But you wanted to keep Isaac… And Emmanuel?” My gaze is intense, stuck on his, and I remind myself to dial it back. I feel like I’m foaming at the mouth right now. This is just soexhilarating. Like the first few sessions with Trevel.
I’m doing Mindhunter. I’m John Douglas!
Felix pauses in thought for a moment, staring at me before he says, “Yes.”
Reaching for my notepad on the table, I scribble down the word,possession.
“What did you write?” he asks, scooting forward on the couch.
I ignore him. “So you were alone in your apartment all summer.”
“Yea.” He’s still a bit stiff, but he humors me and gets back on track. “I went to the clubs and watched people hooking up all over the place. It was fun, but it was also frustrating. I really wanted to meet someone.”
“For sex?” I try drawing it out of him.
But he shakes his head. “For companionship. Sure, the sex was a part of it, but I wantedsomeone. I never had anyone…”
He speaks of people like possessions… It’s very interesting.I wonder if he always needs to be the possessor or if he also desires to be possessed.
