Page 180 of For the Fans
“Jesus Christ, could you sound any more selfish…” I straighten and roll my eyes to the goddamn heavens.
He’s being such a fucking prick right now. And I feel like a moron for even being surprised by it, because I should’veknownthis would happen.
“Me??You thinkI’mbeing selfish?!” he snarls. “Avi, you’re trying to convince me to leave videos that could damn my NFL career to a fiery pit of Hell up on the internet as some sort of declaration of my feelings for you, and it’s fucking ludicrous! This isn’t aboutus.Wearen’t in those videos. That’sBackwardz_CapandNot_Your_Baby. And I need you to see that, and fucking take it down before I lose everything I’ve been working for my whole life, and there is no more Kyran Harbor fucking left at all!”
Shaking my head, I feel defeated. I can’t say I don’t understand what he’s saying, because I do. But I’m just… sick. He clearly doesn’t see what I see…
Wearein those videos. And I’m not ready to lose them… The proof that we’re somethingmore.
Even so, I don’t have much of a choice. I won’t be responsible for ruining his career, and I already feel guilty enough as it is, because for some reason, I can shake the idea that I got him into this whole thing to begin with.
“Fine. Whatever.” I grab my phone and pull up the OnlyFans, tapping the button to deactivate. I’m not even really paying attention to what I’m doing, I’m just pressing buttons until it tells me the account is down. Then I mutter, “It’s done. Happy?”
My eyes fling to his, and I watch as he lets out a long breath of relief, rubbing the back of his neck.
“Thank you,” he whispers.
And we just stare at each other, for minutes on end, with nothing to say.
It shouldn’t feel different, in theory. But it does.
In the tap of a few buttons, it’s like a spell was broken. And part of me expects him to run away, like a hostage whose chains have finally been undone.
“So…” He visibly swallows down his uncertainty and asks, “What happens now?”
I just sigh and shake my head, wandering toward the living room. “Whatever the fuck you want, Kyran.”
He stands, hovering across the room for suffocating moments of time before he mumbles, “Maybe I should just go…”
My eyes close and my jaw clenches.How did I know he’d say that…
I don’t speak another word. Ican’t. I just stare at the TV while he grabs his coat and puts on his shoes, each and every movement like a cleaver hacking away at chunks from inside my chest.
“See ya, Avi,” he murmurs on his way out.
And I just sit, numb. Empty and alone…
In my abandoned amusement park.
“Just eat some of this… It’s really good.”
“Can’t eat. Too pissed,” I grunt, filling my lungs with as much smoke as I possibly can before I choke to death.
“Avi, listen to me,” Frankie says, turning to face me on the couch. “I know you’re upset right now because you think Kyran doesn’t care about you. But just give him some time. You guys started the OnlyFans to make money, and it turned into something neither of you expected. That’s not just going to disappear because you’re no longer filming content together.”
“Then why did he leave?” I mutter robotically, gulping back the memory of him walking out the door. “If he actuallycaredabout me, as more than just a fuck-buddy slash business partner, then he would have stayed. He said he wanted to… stay.”
“You had a fight,” she sighs, using chopsticks to pick up one of Kyran’s spicy tuna rolls. “He probably felt awkward and didn’t know how to handle it. He’ll be back.”
“You don’t know him like I do.” I shake my head. “He’s too closed off. Hung-up on beingstraightand popular and fucking celebrated for his talents…”Everything I’m not.“He cares more about that stuff than he could ever care about…” My voice trails and I sniff. “Whatever…”
“I’m really sorry you’re going through this, muffin.” Frankie rubs my back, and it’s all I can do not to break the fuck down.
Only twenty minutes after Kyran left, Frankie came back. She said she was lingering around outside just in case I ended up needing her, and never in my life have I been so fucking grateful for her meddling ways.
I don’t want to be alone right now. I can’t stand the cluttered agony of my sullen thoughts.
“Do you…” she starts, then pauses, long enough for me to peer at her. “Do you think you love him?”
