Page 214 of For the Fans
“I… I need to… use the… restroom.” I stand fast, wobbling as I do.
Avi’s hand flies up to steady me by gripping my waist. “Baby… are you alright?”
“I’m f-fine.”
Brushing him off, I stagger away from the table, stomping toward the men’s room. I rush to the sink to splash some water on my face. Bent at the waist, I rub my eyes, slowly lowering my hands to stare at myself in the mirror.
This is you…
This has always been you.
Closing my eyes tight, I shake my head.No…Aviis responsible. He helped me find the real me… Him and his strength and his brutal openness. Just him.
He’s the… only one.
A voice thunders in my mind, rattling my foundation.You know that isn’t true.
I suck air into my lungs, breaking past the suffocation in my chest.
“He made you this way…
He made you for me.
Now beg for forgiveness.”
“Stop…” I gasp, heaving for breath.
“Baby, are you okay?”
Following the sweet, worried voice, I find Avi stalking inside the restroom. His hands are on me in an instant, rubbing my back and caressing my hair.
I can’t really speak. I’m quivering too hard, clinging to everything about him in this moment. The fact that he always seems to find me when I need him the most, no matter how much I push him away.
His familiar scent that I can feel, like arms wrapping around a scared, shaken boy. The way his eyes actuallyseeme… The real me.
It’s terrifying, but I need it. I needhim.
“Kyran, please talk to me.” His grungy voice is racked with emotion as he pleads. “Tell me what’s wrong…”
I can’t…
I can’t tell you because you’ll leave me. That’s what happens.
Confessing the truth drives people away.
“Nothing, I just…” I finally manage to scrape out some words, straightening and leaning into him while I breathe slowly. “I just got freaked out for a second. But I’m fine now.”
“Baby, you know you can tell me anything, right?” he says, pacifying me with soft touches. “Anything at all… You can say it, and I promise I won’t judge you, or freak out.” He cups my jaw, forcing me to look at him. “I’m here for you because I love you, Kyran. And nothing is gonna change that.”
Gnawing on my lower lip, I stare at him, swimming in the hazy blue mist of his eyes. I know he’s not lying… He really feels that what he’s saying is true.
But I also know that it won’t matter. He’d judge me if he found out. It wouldn’t be his fault; it would just happen. It’s a knee-jerk reaction.
The truth would change everything. That’s what it does.
And if I end up losing Avi the way I lost my family… I don’t think I’ll want to exist anymore.
Love is fragile… delicate as glass.
