Page 240 of For the Fans
Hours have passed, and still no word from Kyran.
After I got Guty’s text, I decided I couldn’t possibly just sit around and wait for my flight, so I went to the airport to see if I could get on an earlier one.
I did… The one-thirty. Kyran’s original flight.
I’m guessing I got his seat. Awesome.
Flying home next to Guty and Theo only would have been fun if Kyran was with me. But since he’s not, and I’m now living with the knowledge that heleft meand actively doesn’t want to speak with me, it’s pretty much the most awkward thing ever.
I can feel all of Kyran’s teammates watching me as I settle in my seat by the window and the plane takes off, likely speculating about how someone could go from kissing and coming out one day, to being brutally rejected the next.
And not that I want to think about it, because it makes me feel like swallowing my own tongue, but I can’t stop overanalyzing every second of our sex last night as some sort of passionate, devastating goodbye.
In the moment, it felt like we wereaffirmingsomething. After not fucking for over a week, between all the fighting, the pushing away and the pulling back in, then the love confession… Being inside him last night felt like we were finallyhome, in the sense that home is wherever we’re together and in love.
Last night was the first time we’ve ever fucked knowingexactlyhow we both feel about each other. Or so I thought.
But now that I’m overthinking, trapped in a metal box thirty-five thousand feet in the air for hours with nothing but my neuroses, I’m remembering all these subtle nuances in Kyran’s movements, in his voice and the way he whispered that he loves me…
Was he saying goodbye?
Was me finding out the truth about his past too much for him to bear?
I absolutely loathe that thought. He doesn’t need to be alone, pushing down his trauma, and he doesn’t need to be made to feel like he’sbroken. He needs to be surrounded by people who love and support him, no matter what.
But we all know Kyran worships control, and now I finally understand why. That miserable, abhorrent experience led him to feel like he has to control every little thing. And I guess that’s easier to do when you’re alone.
“Dude… I thought you weed smokers were supposed to be mellow,” Guty grumbles at my side, and my face shifts. “If you keep wiggling around like that, I might have to rough you up a bit.”
“Sorry…” I sigh out a long breath. “I’m just… so worried about him.”
“I’m sure he’s fine. Maybe he just needed some space,” he says, and I squint at him. “No offense.”
I rub my eyes. “I didn’t even bring my weed… I gave up smoking for him.”
Guty’s brow cocks. “Really?” I nod. “Wow…”
“I mean, he didn’taskme to…” I mutter. “I just don’t wanna be so blazed I miss out on the high of being with him.”
Guty is staring at me. And Theo, who’s sitting on the aisle, slowly lifts his sleeping mask and turns his head to stare at me, too.
“What?” I sigh, rubbing my eyes.
“That’s so fuckin’ sweet.” Theo blinks, a little pout tugging at his lips.
“How did you even hear me?” I grunt, eyeing his headphones.
“I’m in between songs.” He shifts his body in my direction. “Don’t worry. We’ll help you get him back.”
“Yea.” Guty pats my arm. “When we land, come straight to our dorm with me. Hopefully, he’s there.”
I nod, forcing a small grin to show them that I appreciate it. But inside, I’m not placated. Not even a little.
The idea of showing up at Kyran’s dorm when he’s been deliberately ignoring my calls and texts makes me feel like the biggest clingy stalker who can’t get the hint ever.
Coach Matthews peeks at us between the seats. Theo quickly slumps back in his, covering his eyes with his sleep mask. Guty goes back to the movie he’s watching on his iPad.
And I just turn my face to gaze out the window at the clouds engulfing the plane.
