Page 242 of For the Fans
“Is he still there?” I ask my mom, my gut bunching up into a knot.
“No, he left,” she sighs uneasily, and my eyes fall shut. “And he wouldn’t tell me where he was going… Avi, did something happen?? Why would he be leaving school?”
“Mom, I’m coming over,” I tell her calmly, though I’m feeling anything but. “We need to talk. Is Tom there?”
“No, he’s at work.”
“Good. I’ll see you in a few.”
God, this hurts.
This hurts real damn bad.
I’m upstairs in Kyran’s bedroom, at our house in Somerville… the house that was Kyran’s before it was mine. The house that I moved into, encroaching on his territory.
I used to think he hated me for that reason. Because he didn’t want to share his father’s affections with a new wife and her son, who was infinitely different from him in so many ways. I thought he hated me because I was the opposite of him; poor and artsy, bad at sports, with a love of laughing things off when they get too serious. And maybe that part was true…
Maybe thatiswhy he hated me, or at least why he pretended to. Because I remind him of how he used to be. How hecouldhave been, if some deranged, disgusting pervert hadn’t stolen his youth.
But being in here now, I don’t feel any of that hate. The memories of him picking on me in school, of us bickering and fighting over the bathroom, of him using his words to hurt me as best he could… they’re not upsetting. In fact, they bring a smile to my lips. Because it’s how we started. As reluctant stepbrothers, before any of the rest of it.
We werebrothers. And that’s what fills me with sadness, anger, and despair.
The fact that all along, my brother was dealing with something so detrimentally fucked up… And I had no idea.
Picking up one of his sweatshirts, I hold it up to my face and breathe in deep. The smell of him lingering in the fabric is like a sledgehammer to my already broken heart.
I have a candle that smells like you…
I hear his voice in my head, and I have to stop before I collapse.
The new memories in here are much fresher than the ones of him hating me. Like Christmas Eve. Holding his hand and kissing him, fooling around with him on a bed where I’m sure he used to curse my existence. The night we shared in my room… I can still see him moving on me. I can feel his hands touching me and his lips dragging along my neck.
We becamemorein that moment, without cameras filming or obligations or money on our minds. We fell together in pure passion, and spent the whole night getting to know each other.Finally.
After years of being in each other’s lives… that night was when the blinders came off.
When we realized it wasn’t actually for the fans.
“Avi.” My mom peeks into the room, watching me closely. “We should talk. Before Tom gets home.”
Nodding, I toss the sweatshirt down with the rest of his things, following her up the hall to her bedroom. My eyes scanthe room, and the one thing that sticks out is a suitcase on the floor. I squint at it, but say nothing, taking a seat next to my mother on the bed.
“You wanna tell me what’s going on?” she asks, her eyes sparkling concern. “Honestly, I feel like you’ve been slipping away from me lately, Aviel. And maybe it’s my fault too… We used to be so close, and now you’re just…” She shakes her head, dropping her gaze to her lap.
I hate making her feel this way. I don’t want her to think I’m hiding things from her. Or that I’m pulling away.
“Mom, I just need to tell you some things,” I start with a breath. “And the reason why I didn’t tell you before is because I was still figuring it out. And it’s… complicated.”
“More complicated than getting kicked out of school for making porn?” She cocks a dark eyebrow, and I huff.
“Okay,pornis sort of glorifying it.” I roll my eyes. “It’s an OnlyFans.”
“I don’t know what the hell that means, but if you’re recording videos of you having sex… that’s porn.” She gives me a stern look.
Point well made, Mom.
“So it kinda started with the… porn.” I shift in my seat. “I realized that I think I like guys too…” I shake my head. “I mean, Iknowthat I do. Back then Ithought, but now Iknow. I’m bisexual.”
