Page 248 of For the Fans
Swallowing down that icky feeling, I scroll over his bio, which just says,Art is love, and I find a recent post from yesterday. It looks like a wall of some kind, maybe concrete, spray painted with a black background and a yellow frowning face.
The caption reads:
I am alone.I am utterly alone.
I blink at the screen a few times, wondering why that sounds so familiar… And then I remember. It’s fromBeetlejuice… One of his top five favorite movies ever.
Grabbing the TV remote, I flick around all the available streaming services, searching forBeetlejuice. It’s on AmazonPrime, so I turn it on, letting it play in the background while I stare at the picture.
I’ve never known Avi to spray paint, but then he’s an artist. He can use anything he wants as his canvas, which I think is pretty cool. I just wish in this one case it wasn’t something so depressing.
Swiping Instagram away, I open my text chain with Avi, looking over all the messages he’s sent me since I left California. And there are a lot.
Aside from the ones he sent me that day, after I vanished, he’s sent me at least three a day for the last week. Everything ranging from…
Avi: I love you baby… please come back to me
To…
Avi: I’m just gonna be honest… I know you’re hurting, but it’s pretty messed up that you won’t even RESPOND to me. *annoyed face emoji*
And even…
Avi: Robin misses you. She just meowed and it sounded like she was saying “Kyran”. I’m not even kidding.
The most recent one is just a screengrab from the video of our first makeout session, in Theo’s bathroom. But theactualvideo, not the one with my face blurred out.
It squeezes the air out of my chest to see it, sending all the sensations rushing back. I remember how afraid I was… Because of how amazing his mouth felt on mine. I couldn’t stop shaking.
The picture captures it perfectly. It’s like I’m falling for him, even then, and I both love it and hate it at the same time.I just wish I hadn’t wasted so much time pretending.
Typing out a text to him, I hesitate for only a second before hitting send.
Me: Hey, baby. I know this might hurt, but push through it for me. I’m fine and safe and I promise I’ll be back soon… Knocking on your door for good this time. I love you, angel. Thanks for saving me.
Then I turn my phone off. Because I have to.
“You know that I’ve seen you… Looking at the other boys.”
My knees are sore, and my back is stiff.
“It’s alright, Kyran. Don’t be afraid. God loves you. He made you this way.”
There’s a black rosary wrapped around his hand.
The one I dropped when he came into the room and locked the door.
“But you’ll need to beg His forgiveness for your lustful ways. I can help you…”
The white cloth of his robe brushes on my face as it lifts.
“This is you, Kyran. This is who you are.”
“But I haven’t done anything… I don’t w-want to,” I whisper with fear in my voice.
“God sees everything, you know. He can tell that you’re lying.”
My head shakes, again and again, but he holds it still. The scents of smoke and oil fill my lungs.
