Page 266 of For the Fans
“Yea, well… this coming from the guy who watchesTexas Chainsaw Massacreas a comfort movie.”
“It soothes me,” he sighs, and I chuckle. He’s quiet for a moment before he asks, “How old were you when you first realized you might be bi?”
I chew on my lower lip, remaining silent for long enough that he peeks up at me. “You’re totally gonna think I’m lying about this, but I swear to God, it’s the truth…” His eyebrow arches. “Four years ago. It was… the first time I saw you.”
He lets out a cackling laugh, shaking his head. “There’s no way that’s true!”
“I swear it is! I never looked at anyone before the way I looked at you. I didn’t want to admit it, because you were so mean and you hated me so much.” He pouts, and I brush my thumb over his lips. “But it’s true. I actually thought maybe I was gay at first.”
“But you’re still sticking to the fact that you’re bi?” He smirks.
“I liked hooking up with the girls I hooked up with.” I shrug. “But honestly, I don’t even know if I would saybi… I could be pan, or omni. I don’t want the label. I’ll just call myself queer because I don’t think gender plays a role for me when it comes to being attracted to someone. To quote the majestic David Rose, I like the wine, not the label.”
Kyran purses his lips over a loving smile, nestling up on top of me. “I love that for you, angel.”
“How about you?” I stroke his hair some more. “You’ve hooked up with your fair share of girls… Tell me about how you feel.”
He sighs. “I figured out that I was gay right before I turned twelve.”
My heart thuds in my chest at this revelation. This is something I never knew about Kyran… I always assumed he was bisexual because of all the girls he’s been with. But now he’s saying he’s fully gay, and he’s known since he was a kid.
“And to be clear… I’ve only slept with two girls.” He gives me a pointed look.
My lashes flutter. “Really??” He nods. “But you always had different girls hanging on you at parties, and on your Instagram.”
He pretends to cough to cover up the words, “Insta-stalker.” I glare at him, and he laughs. “I’ve hooked up with a few others, but no more than, like… five altogether. I think that’s why I gravitated toward clingy girls who wanted relationships, like Becca and Lexi. Because if they locked me down, I didn’t have to worry about acting as much.”
“Baby,” I breathe, caressing his jaw. “I had no idea. So clearly you are, like… very talented.” He chuckles, biting his lip. “You’re Leo inDjangolevel!”
His face lights up. “Wow! Thank you,” he chirps while I snort.
God, I love learning about him.I don’t think I’ll ever get sick of listening to him share these intimate details of his life… Even when they’re ultimately tragic. I just feel so goddamn special that he’s confiding in me.
“I noticed that I liked looking at boys, my friends, more than I liked looking at the girls. It wasn’t sexual, but I just had this feeling in my stomach that someday I wanted to date a boy. But then, after what happened… I stuffed it all down and pretended it wasn’t true. I buried it so deep that after a while, I convincedmyselfI liked girls. The denial was thick, and it was because of something he used to say to me. Something he said when he was… abusing me.”
The way he gulps over the words breaks my heart in two. But I won’t let it affect the way I am with him, because I know he doesn’t want that.
He’s still my Kyran, no matter what.
“He brought it up… how he saw me looking at boys,” he goes on. “Like he knew some secret about me, and that was why he was doing it. He said that because I was gay, I needed to let him… do those things to me. Like it was a penance or something.”
Kyran goes quiet for a moment, and I rumble, “Baby…”
He looks up at me with vulnerability in his eyes.
“I’ve been building this… car. It’s like a time-traveling Delorean, if you will. And I could totally go back in time and kick this dude in the nuts for you.”
A giant smile sweeps over his lips, and he chuckles, shaking his head. But I can see the appreciation in his eyes, for me joking with him. It’s what he wants… And I can’t say that I know how any of this feels, but I can understand him wanting me to make light of the heavy stuff. After all, it’s what I do.
I’m the one who shuffles and fist pumps on the sidelines when he’s freaking out… I’m the one who jokes and teases him when he’s getting all up in his head.
I’m happy to be his mascot all the time, whenever he needs me.
Avi the Angel takes care of his baby.
“Babe…” he murmurs, gazing up at me. “I want you to know that he never actually… I mean, he did things to me, but he didn’t…”
“My love,” I whisper, holding his face. “It doesn’t matter.”
