Page 79 of For the Fans
Everything is gone… The uncertainty, the insecurity, the doubt. The terrible, awful pitch-black devastation I’ve lived with for so many years… it feels like it’s all evaporated.
Like someone left the window open in my mind, and it all just flew away out into the open air.
Avi pulls himself off of me, severing the connection as he topples onto his side. I haul in a deep breath, suddenly much colder without the weight of him holding me down.
I’m… where…?
He flips around as my eyelids creep open, and the first thing I see is his face. Forehead lined in worry, periwinkle irises sparkling down at me.
Avi is never worried, or concerned…
He doesn’tcare… At least, that’s what I’d thought.
“Ky…” he breathes, fingers trailing along my jaw while I just gawk at him like I’ve never actually seen him before. “Are you alright??” I blink, and his hand glides down to rest over my heart. “I’m sorry. I think I was like… suffocating you. I totally didn’t mean to—”
My face inches up, upper body pushing me completely on its own, and I press my lips to his.
Who am I…?
This isn’t me… This is someone else.
Avi is stiff, maybe shocked or surprised by what I’m doing, but only for a moment before his lips part over mine and he kisses me back.
Who are you…?
How…
He purrs on my mouth, touching his tongue to mine. And something snaps.
Reality slams back into focus. And I yank my face back.
“What the fuck…” I choke, fumbling away and clearing my throat. “No. No, no… Fuck that.” Scrambling, I sit up fast and grab my clothes. “No, this isn’t me.”
“Ky…” Avi sounds echoey as I stumble off the bed and jump into my pants as fast as my wobbly legs will allow. “Hey… wait.”
“Fuck off,” I snap, my voice still too breathy. I don’t sound like me…
Because this isn’t you, moron. That was someone else.
You don’t do things like that. You don’tlikethings like that.
I’m struggling to get redressed so quickly, I’m practically falling over. Lightheaded and confused…I need to get the fuck out of here.
“Kyran, will you just calm down for a second…” Avi grumbles, standing up and pulling on his sweatpants.
“Shut this fucking thing off!” I bark, gesturing to the camera while I pull my shirt on. “It’s over, Avi. It’s done. Shut it the fuck off.”
“Okay, okay,” he breathes, baffled in distress. It sounds bizarre to my ears, because he doesn’t usually sound like that. Like he cares…Why does he suddenly care??“It’s off, Jesus. Can you just chill for a second, please?”
My head shakes viciously as I slip my arms into my hoodie. “Nope. No need to chill. We got what we needed, and that’s all that matters.”
My jaw is straining, heart racing. I peek at him, and he cocks his head, like he doesn’t understand what I’m saying.
I roll my eyes. “It was an act, Avi. Business, remember?”
His eyes are wide as he gapes at me for a few heavy seconds of silence.
I don’t have time for this…
