Page 164 of Fragments
I don’t know what to think about any of it. The situation with Ren has taken a turn for the crazy again, and it’s making me hate myself more than a little.
The thing is, when we’re deep in the thick haze of a lust so strong it can only be described aschemical, it feels like the greatest thing ever. I know I don’t have much frame of reference, but fooling around with Ren is satisfying on a molecular level. Like we’resupposedto be doing it; tangling together to make vital elements.
But then the literalsecondit’s over, I get the cold, hard bitch-smack of reality, right upside my head. With Ren, it’sneveras easy as just fooling around, or even exploring our feelings for each other. We tried that shit, and guess what? My heart got curb stomped.
Objectively, I think I’ve forgiven him for hurting me way back when. But I’ll never be able toforgetwhat happened, despite how much my dick conveniently gets amnesia when we’re alone.
How could I forget when I come back to the scene of the crime every day??
Right over there is where it happened…
The startling, gut-wrenching sight of the guy who was supposed to be mine, with hands that weren’t mine touching him, body parts that weren’t mine inside his body… Proving once and for all that he wasn’tmine.
And he never would be.
I can still hear the sounds… I can see him, hair hanging in his eyes, the flush on his face while his body moved with forceful thrusts. Visible guilt and remorse framed by the dazed arousal of secret sex…
It’s all still there. Nestled like a permanent back-up, never to be erased, no matter how badly I want it to disappear from my brain’s Cloud.
So even though Ren somehow casts these magical orgasm spells on me, doling them out like a sex wizard waving around the Elder Wand in his pants, I justknowif I keep this up, I’ll always come away from it feeling stupid and sad.
Because he hurt me back then, he’s liable to hurt me again if I give him the chance, and I care about him too much to run the risk of fully torpedoing the friendship this time.
It’s too much. A place this boring shouldn’t be this stressful.
Thankfully though, right now I’m enjoying a few quiet, tension-free minutes to shower in peace, since for whatever reason, Ren is nowhere to be found. It’s a good thing too, because I think I’m going to give in and scratch this itchy fucking tattoo…
Just a little. One quick scratch. No one needs to know…
“Oh my God!” The familiar voice assaults my ears right as my fingers touch down on my ribcage and I jump, whipping my hand away fast.
“I wasn’t doing anything!” I spin to face Ren sheepishly.
He’s fully dressed, clearly not here for a shower as he scurries over to us with wide eyes. “You arenevergoing to guess what I just heard…”
I let out a silent breath of relief that he’s not here to yell at me for scratching. “What happened now?”
Ren’s eyes slide down me briefly, lingering on my new ink in a way that sends a flush over my entire body. I can barely process what we did while he was tattooing me. My nipples are hard and achy just thinking about it… which means I have mere seconds before my dick decides to get involved. So I grab a towel, quickly cinching it around my waist.
Ren tilts his head like he wants to say and do so many things right now, and I’m just standing here, cursing these goddamn chills I get whenever he looks at me.
But I’m saved from the awkwardness when his eyes fling to Kang, expression turning grim.
“Uh, Byron, you might want to get dressed for this,” Ren says, and the mere fact that he’s telling someone to put clothesonis beyond worrying.
“That sounds serious…” Kang mutters nervously, grabbing his towel.
“Yea, I have some news.” Ren’s eyes shift around the room, making sure no one’s close enough to overhear. Kang and I share a look, dressing quickly as Ren takes a breath. “It’s about Kieran…”
Oh God… Not again.
Kang swallows visibly. “What about him…?”
“He’s dead,” Ren replies, phoning in the mourning a bit, if we’re being honest. “They found him dead in his cell… Yesterday, I think.”
Inside, my chest grows instantly heavy as I glance at Kang, my forehead lining. He’s obviously distraught, though he’s not one to show many emotions. But I can see it in his eyes, the sparkle of confusion and sadness; the rigidity in his posture and the way his fingers are squeezing into s fist at his side.
He blinks at Ren. “Was it… like…”
