Page 198 of Fragments
Isn’t that the definition of insanity? Doing the same thing again and again, expecting different results…
My brain is in a shame spiral, and everything inside me hurts so damn bad that I’m just zombie-shuffling along as they herd us all out of the cafeteria. I don’t even want to look at Jasper. I’ve never had anything against the guy, but he’s consistently been one of Ren’s topsponsors. I wish I could just ignore him, but the whole walk back, I can’t stop my eyes from slinking over his way.
This feeling is just plain gross, rising up my esophagus like heartburn while I watch him stomping up the hall, awfully tense for someone who just blew his load in a gorgeous, tall, puffy-lipped hunk of pure evil.
Whatever.It doesn’t make a lick of sense to hold a grudge against Jasper.
For what? Fooling around with someone who isn’t mine? Getting his dick wet with a single guy who doesn’t do monogamy, and who’s made that abundantly clear to me since day one??
I wasn’t being passive aggressive before. Thisistotally my fault. Ren’s brain doesn’t light up for things like love or companionship. He thinks it does, but it’s all just lust and desire and overly sensitive pleasure receptors. I can’t blame him for how he was made…
But I also can’t keep running after him, hoping he’ll change, or grow out of it. Hewon’t. And as much as I’ve tried over the years, I’ll never stop hating the way this jealousy feels.
He’s gonna have to let me go… and I have to let him.
Hancock smashes open the door to the row, and Jasper stomps in after him, paying much more attention to what he’s doing than the rest of us. I’m all prepared to just breeze past Ren’s cell, in a totally chill,I couldn’t possibly care lesskind of way, but of course my eyes don’t get the memo. They slink traitorously in his direction for just a quick peek.
I stop short when I notice that his cell is open.
And he’s lying on the floor… with a pool of blood next to him.
“Jesus fucking Christ,” I grunt, darting inside so fast I almost trip over my own feet.
Falling to my knees next to him, I grab his face with trembling hands.
He’s unconscious and pale.
“Holy fuck, oh my God.” In an instant, I’m sweating and shaking, and my heart is in my fucking throat. “Ren?Ren?!Jesus, Ren, wake up!” I start shaking him around, freaking the fuck out at the sight of the nasty gash on his wrist.
I’m panicking. All of my previous thoughts have vanished, along with all my rational thinking. My brain is immediately clouded by a thick haze of fear and worry, guilt and terror.
No no no… Oh my God, no, this isn’t happening.
I’m gonna lose him.
I can’t. I fucking can’t…
Blinking hard, I pull myself together as best I can, checking his pulse. It’s there.Thank God…
He hasn’t lost all that much blood, but it’s still coming, and I need to stop it.
Jumping to my feet, I find a t-shirt. I stumble back to him, clutching his bloody wrist, my hands already coated in sticky red. Shakily, I wrap the shirt around his wrist tight, keeping it elevated.
“Ren… baby? Wake up.” I give his face a little tap. “Pleasewake up for me…”
Scooping his lifeless body into my arms, I hold him against my chest and carry him to the bed, laying him down. My pulse is racing. I’mterrified, not only because of Ren’s state, but also because if Jasper or Hancock notice any of what’s happening, this could earn him a one-way ticket to the East Wing.
I mean, a suicide attempt?? Jesus, I just can’t…
Focus. Stop freaking out and help him.
Quickly, I find another shirt, using it to wipe up the blood on the floor as fast as possible. Then I jump into the bed next to Ren, whipping the blanket over both of us, keeping myself hidden so hopefully they’ll assume Ren is asleep and just walk by. Sure, they might notice that I’m not in my cell, but they both seemed pretty preoccupied with their own bullshit before. Maybe they’ll just forget about me… It’s definitely happened before.
Lying as still as possible, I hold my breath and wait. And sure enough, I hear the door to Ren’s cell clank shut, followed by the door to the row, Jasper and Hancock’s voices booming from the other side, like they’re arguing.
These motherfuckers and their drama…
Says the guy whose fuckbuddy just slit his wrist open.
