Page 199 of Fragments
Peeling the blanket back with a ragged sigh, my eyes set on Ren. He looks like he’s sleeping, breathing a bit labored, but at least he’salive. I hold his hand up in mine, resting my head next to his on the pillow with my heart splintered like glass in my chest.
“What the fuck, Ren…” I brush his sweaty hair away from his temple. “Whywould you want to hurt yourself like this? Don’t you know how special you are?”
My voice trails and I shake my head. “No, I guess you wouldn’t.” I press a kiss on his forehead. “I hate that you think you need this… I hate that you feel like you fuckingdeservethis. I told you, youdon’t.”
Memories shimmer while I watch his beautiful face, dark lashes fanned over his cheeks. He told me once before that he used to self-harm when he was younger. Honestly, I don’t think it ever stopped. He’s always finding ways to hurt himself, in any form he can get. It’s just so fucked up because I don’tunderstandit, and therefore I don’t know how to help him.
I shouldn’t enable this kind of behavior, but I also don’t want to worry that every time we fight, or something goes wrong between us, he’s going to hurt himself.
Minutes turn to hours with me just lying next to him, keeping my head on his chest to make sure his heart is still beating. I can’t keep from dozing, especially after the lights turn off in the row. But I startle awake when he begins mumbling and tossing.
“Sweet, broken flame,” I whisper in the dark.
I hadn’t even noticed that our fingers laced together.
Ren’s eyelids flutter, gradually creeping open to pin me with vibrant blue, crystalline enough that it almost glows.
“I’m dead…” he croaks, blinking at me. “Aren’t I? I died and somehow wentupinstead of down…”
I can’t stop the grin that sweeps over my lips, a breathy chuckle of relief gusting out. “It worries me that you think Heaven is a moldy prison cell.”
“Well, you’re here,” he sighs. “I must have done something right. Either that or I finally succeeded in corrupting you.”
I roll my eyes, and he shows me a tired smile. Bringing his hand to my lips, I kiss his knuckles, his gaze falling to the bloody t-shirt wrapped around his wrist.
“You should’ve just let me go…” he mumbles petulantly.
“Jesus, Ren… Why would you even say that??” I glare at him. “I mean, what the fuck is this shit? Were you really trying to…” My words dry up, and he purses his lips, chin dropping defensively. But I grab it and force him to look at me. “I’m being fucking serious. Just because we can’t be together, doesn’t mean I want to lose you, okay??”
“You don’t get it…” he rumbles. “I’m so fucked up that even when I’m doing my best, it doesn’t matter.No onebelieves in me. Not you… Definitely notme.” My forehead lines and I shake my head, but he goes on. “And I don’t blame you at all. I didn’t do this to get your attention, or to punish you. I did it because I just can’t… fuckingdo thisanymore.”
“Do what…?” My voice crawls from my throat.
“Be the anchor that pulls you under,” he murmurs with a profound sadness in his eyes. “Whether I keep fighting or give up, it makes no difference. Lex, there’re no second chances when it comes to you and me. One was enough, and now you’ll always be waiting for the other shoe to drop…”
My mouth hangs open for a moment while I stare at him. “But that’s… It’s no reason to…”
“Lexington… come on,” he breathes. “Were you surprised today when you saw what you saw? Or were you expecting it?”
A coiling tightness winds up in my chest, making it hard to breathe. “I don’t know…”
“Yes, you do. Look at me.” He moves my hand down to his chest, resting it over his heart. “I am telling you right now…I didn’thook up with Jasper. He tried, yes… He kissed me, and… it kinda came close. But I stopped it. I didn’t suck his dick, and he didn’t fuck me… None of it. And whether you believe me or not, I need to tell you this… I haven’t been with anyone but you in months. That’s thetruth, Lex. As real as it gets…”
Our eyes stay locked, holding strong while his pulse rocks easily beneath my hand. No shifting gaze, no twitching facial expressions or sweaty hands.
I know he’s the most skilled liar I’ve ever met in my life, but right now… He’s telling the truth. I canfeelit, and it brings on a wave of remorse unlike anything I’ve ever felt before. I have to keep swallowing out of fear that I might hurl.
“I’m… I just…” I can’t even speak. I have no available words right now.
He nestles up next to me, squeezing my hand. “But the thing is, you were always going to think the worst of me, because that’s what I’ve shown you since the moment we met… Theworstpossible version of Warren Xavier. And I hate myself for still being able to hurt you without even hurting you.”
I can’t breathe. I feel like I’m falling apart.
Fuck fucking me, he’s telling the truth. He actuallyis.
“Wait, so youreallydidn’t do anything with Jasper…?” I’m sinkingdeepin this guilt. Drowning in it.
Ren shakes his head. “He did kiss me for a few heavy seconds… And he pushed me into my bed, and I was about to… let him.” He gulps visibly. “He was just doing what he’s used to doing… what I’ve always let him do, or encouraged even. But no, nothing actually happened. I stopped it before it could.”
