Page 265 of Fragments
I was inlovewith him from the second I laid eyes on him, and it was so confusing, it took me years to fully understand what it was. To finally grasp that we were inevitable, as more than just sex and fighting.
We were written in the stars.
From the moment we met, my heart leapt out of my chest and delivered itself to him. And despite how bruised and beaten and scarred it was, he took it anyway. He held it in his hands like a precious gift.
Heloved me back, dirty, broken parts and all.
Lexington…I whisper in my mind with a heavy palm forcing my skull down.I love you so much, baby…
Wherever you are, I just hope you’re happy… Happier than I am right now.
I have no choice but to imagine I’m with him…
Still using a proxy after all this time.
And twenty-minutes later, I’m deposited back on the street, with a hundred and fifty dollars and a gram of heroin in my pocket.
Emptier than I’ve ever been before.
“I’ll look for you again,” the guy says through the window while I stare off into space. “You’re definitely worth the money.”
Yea… I know.
He drives away, and I rush to the bushes, heaving my guts out.
I caved and used some of my money to get a motel room.
It’s by the hour, so I’m only staying long enough to shower and sleep for a little bit. But when I wake up, I’m so depressed, I don’t think a crane could pull me out of bed. My entire body feels like it’s full of gravel, and every time I close my eyes, I see spores of black mold festering inside me like a disease.
I wish I could just lie here forever, but I need to get up. Regardless of how much it hurts, I need to go to Sycamore Cove for the fireworks. I haven’t missed a show yet.
I’m fully aware that I’m torturing myself. It’s been almost two months since we escaped from Alabaster Pen. I need to just accept the fact that Lex is dead, and figure out what I’m going to do next.
Either keep selling my body to random men for enough money to stay breathing. Or shoot myself full of that heroin and turn out the fucking lights for good.
It’s pretty chilly out, so I bundle up as best I can with only two pairs of clothes, donning some worn sneakers and ripped black jeans I stole from the Salvation Army, and a hoodie I stole from Lex’s bedroom. It says,Talk nerdy to me, with a cartoon of Albert Einstein pole-dancing.
It’s my most prized possession.
I leave the hotel room quickly, knowing I owe them for an extra two hours that I have no intention of paying for, jumping into my beater and peeling out. I make the drive to Sycamore Cove, and because the universe seems content for me to drive off a cliff, love songs play on the radio the whole way there.
I’m in a fog of misery while I park and hop out, trudging to the beach as the sun disappears. It’s dark, and I’m cold. But I’mhere, no matter how badly it hurts.
Glancing around, I find the shore nearly empty as I plop into the sand and lie on my back, staring up at the sky.
I’m already whimpering, and the damn fireworks haven’t even started yet.
“Just let me go…” I huff, tears seeping from my eyes. “I can’t…do thisanymore.”
The first pop startles me. And as soon as I see the colors, I’m in a full-blown fit of convulsing sadness.
Why do I keep doing this to myself…?? Why do I keep coming here when all it does it make me miss him more??
He’s gone, and I have to face it…
I’m all alone. And Ideserveto be.
I deserve every single bit of this awful, wretched burn.
