Page 60 of Fragments
Was he trying to beat the gay out of me? Or was it just an excuse?
The knock at my door… I remember being so confused when it opened and he peered inside. My father’s business associate was at our house without my father… It was odd.
At first, he was just talking to me, making up some excuse about why he was there, which I now realize made no sense. And then he told me he thought I was brave for standing up to my parents and coming out to them.
I’d actually forgotten he’d been there until he mentioned it.
I guess I was more focused on my father whipping the shit out of me with his belt.
But suddenly he had my attention. Because he seemed highly invested in my newfound sexuality.
I can still hear his words in my mind, feel the way my stomach flipped…
“Have you kissed a boy yet, Warren?”
I told him I hadn’t, but that was a lie. I’d already made out with three boys from school over thay past year. But I didn’t want Mr. Kade to know that. I didn’t want him to judge me…OrI wanted him to offer to kiss me himself. And that’s exactly what he did.
Because I can lie to ease things in my favor, and I can lie to correct the truth.
I can lie to give people what they want.
Callum Kade was a man in his forties, bigger than me, stronger and more experienced.Dominant. And the haze of hormones and unrivaled arousal blurred everything else together; all the consequences, thewrongand thebad, until we were nothing but forbidden sensation.
It feels good, you know it does…
Give in to the fire, Warren…
This is who you are.
I’mstaringat the bed where that man kissed me and touched me and fucked me, remembering how salacious it feltback then.
Now,I see it for what it actually was… an illicit affair.
I know it was wrong as fuck. Does that mean I regret it?Hell no.It felt fuckinggreat.
Most kids my age had awful, embarrassing stories about losing their virginity.Not me. Mine was hot as fuck.
But Callum Kade didn’t love me. And I didn’t love him. Because how can you love someone who sees you as an object?
You’re only good at being bad.
This is who you are…
Burn it all down.
I dump kerosene all over my bedroom, then go to my parents’. As expected, they’re out cold. So I empty the rest on them and leave the room, using a tie to triple-knot the door handles together on the outside.
Downstairs, in the foyer, I take one last look around, woozy from the fumes. My vision is wavy, but I don’t mind. Actually, I like it.
I think this is what I was made to do. This is the control I was always meant to have.
It’s the most comforting truth of all… I’m notafraidof being bad. In fact, I prefer it.
You think I’m evil, Dad? Well, guess what? You ain’t seen nothing yet.
I’ll show you a fucking villain.
Striking a match, I light myself another cigarette, holding the flame up to one of the curtains. The orange spreads, and crawls, advancing fast.Muchfaster than I thought it would.
