Page 187 of Phobia
“You didnot.” My tone left no room for argument. “You stepped in when Mom and Dad died and took on the care of a teen and two preteens when you were still a teenager yourself. We would have probably been separated and lost inside the foster care system without you.”
Eight years ago, our parents went out to see a movie and didn’t make it back home. Their car had skidded on black ice, crashed through the broken railing of the bridge they were crossing, and plunged into the partially frozen water below. It had been gut-wrenching. Malin, barely out of high school at the time, had stepped in as our guardian as soon as he was able to get everything cleared through the courts. “No” was not an answer he was willing to accept. He would crawl on his belly over broken glass to hell and back for the three of us, and pretty much had several times over the years. He’d received settlement money from a negligence lawsuit against the city for the bridge that they’d left in disrepair, but he’d put most of that in savings and kept it there. Being the second oldest, I was privier to the shit he’d had to do and how hard he’d had to work over the years to keep food on the table and clothes on our backs.
He shook his head and scoffed to himself. “For eight years we did okay, yeah, not without our struggles and certainly not without some attitude from you three.” His lips tilted up in a small smile when he glanced at me. “And me too. We had a lot of great moments.” The smile fell from his lips. “But I fucked up, Zane. I should never have let her live on campus. She was fine living at home the first two years. But I was working such weird hours, and I thought it would be okay. She had so much going for her, and now…” His words died away.
“She wasn’t a child, Mal,” I reasoned. “Short of locking her in her room, there’s nothing you could have done to stop her. She wanted that on-campus experience this year. None of us could have ever foreseen this happening. And she would have met that monster, Graysin, anyway, even if she hadn’t lived in the dorms.”
“But I would have seen the changes in her sooner.” His hands squeezed into tight fists, and he looked like he wanted to choke the life out of someone. “I could have prevented this from happening. By the time she came home, the damage had already been done.”
The damagehadbeen done, and the aftereffects would be felt forever, but none of the fault lay with Malin.
Would we survive this? I didn’t know. We would never be whole again. Everything felt out of control. In the far corner of my mind, way back in the space that held the thoughts that I was afraid to give voice to—lest that give them the power to come into being—a little whisper poked and prodded my brain. I knew that Hudson would not rest until he’d destroyed something, possibly himself. What if he spiraled so far, he followed in our sister’s footsteps? The thought was terrifying and nearly brought me to my knees in a fresh wave of grief and panic.
I felt along my suit coat, running my finger around the outline of the business card. Would we call Pastor James? Probably not. He was right when he’d said he didn’t have the answers we sought. He couldn’t help us. The cops couldn’t help us either. They had dismissed us when we’d brought forward the text messages we’d found on Livy’s phone, claiming there was no pattern of harassment or bullying. I doubted they’d even really looked. Once her death was ruled a suicide, it was case closed.
If we wanted justice for Livy, if we wanted to ensure the person responsible was held accountable—if we wanted vengeance, and if we wanted to keep Hudson from losing his fucking mind—we were going to have to take matters into our own hands. I refused to lose another piece of my family to the domino effect of Graysin Thorne’s cruel actions. Who was to say that motherfucker wouldn’t just turn around and destroy someone else’s loved one? No. Never again. He needed to learn that actions had consequences. He wasnotinvincible.
“One day, Zane.” Malin’s voice cracked on the first word, so full of agony. He rested his hands along the casket’s edge and bowed his head.
“What do you mean?”
“I wasoneday away, mere hours even, from sitting down with Livy and talking with her about the therapists I’d found to see if there was one she’d be open to meeting with, since she wouldn’t talk to us about what was going on. If I hadn’t picked up that extra goddamn shift at work, Livy would still be here today. I failed her. I failed all of you.”
Stepping over to him again, I ran my hand back and forth over the casket’s shiny, cherry wood. The pain of what I was about to say ripped through my heart; it had been weighing heavily on me along with everything else. I opened my mouth to speak, when a flower from the maple tree we stood under fell and plopped onto my head. I pulled it out of my hair by the stem and spun it between my thumb and pointer finger. It felt almost like a message from Livy.Hey, Zaney. Don’t be a mopey idiot.
“Hudson and I weretherewhen she killed herself, Malin. Just down the fucking hallway. I could have checked on her before I let myself start to fall asleep. Is it my fault she’s dead?”
Malin’s head whipped up and his eyes scanned over me. “What? No. How could you even think that?”
“That’s my point. It’s not my fault. It’s not Hudson’s fault. It’s not your fault.”
“Those are two completely different situations, Zane.”
“They’re not.” I nearly flicked the flower aside but stopped myself at the last second and stuffed it inside my pants pocket instead. I rested my hands on Malin’s shoulders. “Look at me.” The haunted eyes that met mine physically hurt my heart. “You are not responsible for her death. And you have never, not once, failed her or any of us.” I squeezed his shoulders gently. Malin looked like he was going to disagree with my assessment, so I raised an eyebrow, daring him to. “I’m a smart guy. I know what I’m talking about.”
He released a protracted exhale and the crease between his brows eased a little. “Thank you. Youarea smart man, Zane. And a great brother.”
I let my hands fall back to my sides. “I learned from the best. Now, we need to find Hudson and go home. Tonight, we’re gonna get high, share memories of Livy, and maybe cry until we’re nothing but a giant pile of snot. You know that the real Livy, the little sister we all knew deep down, would demand it. And then tomorrow, we’ll talk about our next steps.”
Malin cocked his head, taking in my expression. “Zane, you look scarily like Hudson right now. Next steps for what, exactly?”
I inhaled slowly, feeling the air expand my lungs and relieve some of the pressure I’d felt all week. What I needed to discuss with them was anything but sane or calm. It was, in fact, a level of disturbed and unbalanced that I never thought I’d reach. It was downright stupid. But desperate times called for desperate measures. I knew without a doubt that Hudson would be one hundred percent on board. Malin would take a bit of convincing, but I’d seen the haunted look in his eyes; he too would come around.
I was taking our control back.
Chapter 1
I held my breath and used a towel to protect my hands as I picked up the pile of gym clothes that had been left on the floor outside the shower. Even with the towel barrier, that shit was disgusting. Marching down the hallway with the toxic waste in my arms held out away from my body, I stopped in Gage’s open doorway and kicked at the bottom of the door in lieu of knocking. He looked up from where he was lounging on his bed, then tossed aside the magazine he’d been reading and sat up, swinging his legs lazily to the floor. I strode over to him and dropped his clothes on top of his bare feet.
“Uh, come in, I guess.” His tone dripped with snarky sarcasm, but it was quickly offset by the way his mouth turned up into a giant lopsided grin.
“Gage, dude,pleasestop leaving your nasty-ass clothes all over the bathroom. Nobody wants to smell your sweaty jockstrap.”
His pale blue eyes shone with laughter. “I don’t know, man. There are people who’d pay a pretty penny for that, cum stains and all.”
Gage Michaels was a local who’d stuck around to go to college here, like me, although he was from Asheburke Heights, whereas I’d moved to Ohio in the middle of high school. He was hot as hell with his dirty-blond hair, icy blue eyes, and a body that was in peak shape as Danville University’s top-performing point guard. He had arms, ass, abs, and legs to drool over. But that didn’t stop my mouth from twisting in revulsion at what he’d said. Hot did not excuse sweaty funk, especially when three other guys—me included—had to share the upstairs bathroom with him since it had the only shower.
The house we lived in was a small two-story with an unfinished basement and a finished attic. Pretty old, but the owner had taken care of it over the years. Any house near campus was a hot commodity. I had three roommates not because I couldn’t afford the rent otherwise, but because I wanted the normalcy of it.
