Page 223 of Phobia
“We didn’t get that far,” I tell her, playing with my lip ring some more. “We literally just met. But I think maybe we’ll hang out… He seems cool.”
Yes, that he definitely does.
I don’t think Asa being one of only three people—including me—in even the generalvicinityof my age range is the only reason I’d like to befriend him. It’s mostly because, like I said to him out there, he gives off the right vibes. Stylish, and unique. Way more introverted than me, but that’s okay. I don’t mind watching him fidget and stammer…
If anything, I think it’s kinda cute.
He’s actually mind-numbinglygorgeous, but I’m trying not to focus on it too hard, since for all I know he could be straight. I wasn’t gettingoutvibes from him at all, but that doesn’t necessarily mean anything.
I’ll just have to feel him out some more…
Not that I’m looking for arelationshipor anything. But it might be tough being friends with someone who looks like him, and never being able to explore his nervous squirminess in a morepersonalmanner.
I shift in my seat as Mom says, “That’s good, baby. I’m so happy you’re making friends and settling in already. Although, I never had any doubt you would.”
I give her a smile, though inside I’m mulling over a lot.
I haven’t officially come out to my mom yet. Oranyone, for that matter. I basically just started dating guys, sort of quietly, before we moved And Mom’s only ever seen me with girls. I don’t know if this will be a shock to her…
She’ll love and accept me regardless, I know that. It’s the way she is. My mom is the fucking best. So I’m not sure why I’m hesitating. I guess a teeny tiny sliver of me worries that maybe she won’t react the way I’m hoping.
I don’t think she’s ever evenmeta gay person in real life.
This stupid fear has me stuck, and I hate it. I tell my mom everything. Keeping this from her makes it feel like something dirty, that I’mashamedof, and that’s totally not the case.
Part of me is hoping she already figured it out on her own. For the last few months, every time I said,I’m going out with, it was always followed by a boy’s name. Then again, it’s not unusual, since most of my friends back home were guys.
She’s not going to read your mind. You should just tell her.
“So, have you been keeping in touch with anyone from back home?” Mom asks, distracting me from my obsessing. I’m about to answer when she adds, “What about Tess, how’s she doing? She was always such a sweet girl, and you two made the cutest couple.”
I swallow down a mouthful of nerves.Okay, so much for that idea.
She definitely doesn’t know I’m gay. Either that or she doesn’t want to believe it…
My eyes slink to hers.No way. Mom’s not like that.
I’m sure she’s just being polite and asking a million questions, like she always does.
“Uh, no… I haven’t heard from her,” I mumble.
Tess was my prom date. Head cheerleader, blonde, gorgeous… Very sweet.
Just… missingsomethingI now find very important in a partner.
“That’s a shame,” she hums.
Just tell her… Tell her now. Rip it off like a Band-Aid.
“Mom, um…” I start, pulse picking up steadily.
But as soon as she’s staring at me, giving me her undivided attention, I justcan’tdo it.
I jump up from the couch. “How about some lunch?”
She smiles. “Sounds lovely.”
Stalking off, I’m internally scolding myself.
