Page 230 of Phobia
“Shh… It’s fine, Asa. Just go back to sleep…”
My hands are shaking as I grab my pill bottle, dumping more Adderall into my mouth and swallowing them raw. The sweetness lingers on my tongue, sliding down my throat. For some reason, it reminds me of Jules…
I bet he tastes sweet.
Just walking with him last night was the most fun I’ve had in a long time. And the craziest thing is that he seems to… like me?
I mean, really? How??
I’m a fucking weirdo, with issues just spilling out of me.
Why did it feel like he wanted…morelast night?
He said,“My mom’s asleep…”Unless I’m totally misreading everything, that seemed like an invitation to hook up. And he was standing so close to me, leaning in like he maybe wanted to…
I slap myself in the cheek.It doesn’t matter. I can’t do that…
No matter how badly I’m itching to try it, I’m overflowing with far too much fear. Jules just seems like someone who could settle me.
Turn off my mind… Put my body at ease.
And I can’t have that.
Norelaxation. No soft touches or sweet, hushed words… No peaceful bliss.
No sleep. Ever.
My stomach is rumbling, which reminds me I haven’t eaten anything but Adderall in days. I open the door to the fridge, a giggle slipping out when I pretend it’s a mouth, and make it say, “Feed me, Seymour.”
There’s no fucking food in there.
I go to the cupboards, pulling out my last box of S’Mores Pop Tarts—my favorite. There’s one pack left.
Score.
I eat them quick, feeling the satisfaction of giving my body what it wants. It’ll have to settle for that. Just enough to keep me running on fumes. The sugar helps.
Every noise around me seems magnified. The creaks and cracks and rustles of the trailer, the voices from outside as people come home from work.
Peeking through the curtains, paranoia is getting the best of me.
Don’t fall asleep… Don’t close your eyes!
Sudden footsteps put me on high alert. They’re marching closer…
Swallowing hard, I back away from the door, eyes wide, panic racking my limbs with fear.
They’re coming for me.
It’s the end of the world, and I’m asleep.
Slapping myself in the face over and over, I back into the wall, shaking and gaping in horror as they stomp up the steps to my front door.
They’re going to kill me!
Knock knock knock.
“Fuck… shit…” I gasp, clutching my throat. “Wake up… wakeup.”
