Page 241 of Phobia
And then his fingers cover mine where they rest on the concrete. My face shifts, watching him watching his hand. His fingers lace through mine and he picks it up to squeeze it tight.
This is nuts. EvenI’venever held a guy’s hand out in the open before. Asa’s always been straight, and yet apparently he doesn’t care if someone sees us like this.
He wants to hold my hand…
“I owe you an explanation,” he says softly, nervous gaze still aimed down. “And an apology.” His eyes finally meet mine. “I’m really sorry, Jules.”
“I don’t think you need to be sorry,” I tell him.
“Yes, I do,” he breathes. “I’m sorry for leaving. I should’ve stayed and told you what was up instead of just taking off…”
“Oh…” I blink. “Yea, that kinda sucked.”
He chuckles. But it fades fast. “And I’m sorry if I scared you. I don’t want you to think… that I would hurt you, Jules. I, um… I like you.”
The way my chest aches and my heart leaps from those three words is almost unreasonable.
“The truth is I… have insomnia.” He chews on his lower lip, looking away again. “Okay, that’s not really true. It’s more like… insomnia by choice. I don’t like to… sleep.”
I blink at him. “Why not…?”
He fidgets. “Because I’m… afraid of it.” His eyes lift to mine. “I’m afraid something terrible will happen if I do. It’s happened before…”
Ohh… kayyy…
I’m trying to process this, but he keeps going.
“It’s really complicated, I know, and I don’t necessarily want to get into it all now. But basically, that’s why I freaked out. Because I didn’t want to fall asleep, but you just kinda… knocked me out.”
His mouth twists, and I have to laugh, despite how sorta messed up this whole thing is.
“So you weren’t expecting me to sedate you with orgasms?”
“No,” he chuckles. “No, I wasn’t. It threw me off, and I didn’t handle it well. And I’mreallyfucking sorry for that… We were having such a good night.”
“We were,” I whisper, gazing studiously at his face.
“That’s why I don’t…” he starts, then clears his throat. “I mean, that’s why I usuallyprefernot to…”
“Come?” I finish his stammering.
His cheeks flush, and he nods sheepishly.
My mind is spinning through all this new information.
He’s afraid to fall asleep, because he thinks something bad will happen if he does… So he keeps himself awake? He won’t even let himself have orgasms because he’s afraid it’ll make him fall asleep?
That’s… different.
“Why did you then?” I ask, and he glances at me. “Why’d you let me make you come…?”
Honestly, the blush on his face is killing me right now.
“I find you very… tempting, Jules,” he rumbles, causing an unexpected throb in my balls. “You’re sodifferent. I mean, yes, you’re a guy, and I’ve never…” He stops to swallow. “But it’s not just that. You’re like… adream. When everything else is a nightmare.”
I’m frozen, barely breathing. Just staring at him with wide eyes.
That has to be the most romantic thing anyone’s ever said to me. By far.
