Page 258 of Phobia
The cops questioned him about it. He wasn’t able to articulate much, but he said he never opens her bedroom door because she likes her privacy… Because of the drugs, I’m guessing.
But, Asa… Her car’s been home. Didn’t that register?
He said she’d been having car trouble last week, and he just figured she’d gotten a ride from someone else, or walked.
My chest is aching, like I’ve been gutted.
She was right there, all along. In that room, dead.
A drug overdose they’re callingaccidental, most likely as a favor to Asa.
And also because they didn’t find the note…
“Hey.” I crouch down in front of him. He won’t look at me. “You wanna come inside and maybe have something to eat? Take a shower…”
His eyes lift to the cops, who are packing up and getting ready to leave. Then he whispers, “I knew.”
My brow furrows. “Knew what?”
“Iknew, Jules,” he says it again, his glistening gaze finally landing on mine. “I knew Lena was dead…”
“How… how is that possible?” I shake my head. “That doesn’t make any sense, Asa. You didn’tknow. You’re grieving, after a traumatic incident. You’re upset. You have every right in the world to be, but that doesn’t mean you—”
“I blocked it, I think,” he urges in a hushed tone. “I know I looked in her room, Jules. I’m not an idiot. Obviously, that would’ve been the first place I looked. I’d just fallen asleep by accident, so I think I was…”
“Come here.” I take him by the arm. “Let’s go talk inside. You’ll feel better once you shower and get into some clean clothes. You can borrow some of mine.”
He shakes his head, yanking his arm back. “You don’t get it… This is my fault, Jules. Itis. Maybe if I hadn’t been so fucked up over this fuckingphobia, I could’ve helped her.”
He whimpers, dropping his head into his hands, and it’s killing me. Seeing him like this hurts, so much worse than seeing him spazz and panic over falling asleep.
I don’t even know how it’s possible to love someone, and care for them so much so fast, but I do… My heart is reaching out for him.
And his is retreating. Burying itself deep in his chest.
“Did you… read the note?” I ask quietly, making sure everyone is far enough away that they can’t hear.
He shakes his head.
“Asa… Come on,” I plead with my tone. “Please? Come shower and have something to eat.” He shakes his head again. So I take on a different tactic. “At least some coffee?”
Finally, he stands up, allowing me to drag him along, shuffling like a zombie, into my house. Mom is sitting on the couch, and I can tell she’s been going out of her mind with worry since I told her what happened.
“Oh… my God.” She grabs her cane, standing shakily.
“Mom, don’t get up,” I scold softly, but she ignores me.
“Asa… I am so very sorry sweetheart.” My mom steps over to Asa, taking his hand.
Asa’s eyes fall to where she’s holding it, and his bottom lip trembles. I can tell he’s trying to hold himself together, but he’s slipping.
“Oh, sweetie, come here.” Mom wraps him up in her arms. Without even a second thought.
This boy she’s never even met before… This is literally the first time they’ve been in the same room. But that doesn’t matter to her.
She’s just that comforting presence. One Asa only had in his sister for the last however many years.
Mom hugs him tight, and I can see his shoulders moving in ragged sobs that are breaking my fucking heart in half, while she just rubs his back, consoling him. And I love her for it right now.
