Page 259 of Phobia
Maybe she’ll understand… why I love him so much already.
He’s the sweetest broken boy I’ve ever known.
When Asa finally calms down, I tell Mom I’m going to get him set up with some clothes so he can take a shower. We go to my bedroom, and I close the door, even though it might seem odd. I take out a pair of sweats and a hoodie for him, staring at my drawer of socks and underwear for way too many seconds.
“Do you need socks?” I peer at him.
He’s sitting on my bed, knee bouncing, with the note from his sister unfolded in his hands.
As much as I want to know what it says, it’s not my business. So I just stand, shifting in place, watching him read it.
The lines of his face are etching deeper and deeper with sadness. The torment I see in his eyes is too much.
Asa sobs, dropping his head forward and covering it with his arm, while the other one thrusts the note out, like he’s handing it to me. Slowly, I wander over and take it.
“I don’t think I should read this, Asa…” I whisper.
“Please,” he whines, then sniffles. “Just read it.”
Reluctantly, I lift the piece of paper…
And I read to myself.
My dearest little brother,
I’m so sorry it had to happen this way.
First off, just know that I’ll always love you. I will always be with you, even when I’m not. You’ve been the only good thing in my life, pretty much forever. So I need you to understand that what I’m doing has nothing to do with you.
It’s not your fault, Ace. It isn’t.
How many times have I told you that?? How many times have I screamed at you that Mom and Dad leaving was not your fucking fault? You just wouldn’t believe me…
And I get it. I don’t blame you for feeling that way. Because I made you…
Which leads me to the second part.
What really happened that night.
I told you Dad hit me… That was true.
I told you he hit Mom… Also true.
But what I didn’t tell you is that I picked up a kitchen knife, and I stabbed him with it.
Mom was hysterical. She was freaking out, attacking me and screaming.
So I hit her over the head with the blender. Too hard I guess, because she fell backwards and after that… neither of them were breathing.
That’s why I took you out of the house, Ace. So I could clean up the mess and get rid of ‘em.
It was easy for everyone to believe they split… They weren’t good parents, Ace, I know you know that. They did leave us…
But it’s my fault. Not yours.
And I just can’t live with myself anymore knowing how much hurt I’ve caused you.
You’re a shining star, Ace. Please keep on shining. Don’t get lost because of this.
