Page 265 of Phobia
It’s no big deal. I’mmanagingit.
Sure, it makes me feel like absolute dog shit, shuts my organs down, my nervous system completely fucked from all the Adderall, and the lack of proper rest turns me into a zombie. As long as I wasn’tsleeping, nothingbadwould happen.
But then Jules showed up. And now it doesn’t work.
Because how can you have a relationship with someone if you’re slowly deteriorating?
It’s not fair for me to ask him to watch me kill myself. I should be able tobewith him, and sleep with him, in a bed together, cuddling and kissing and dozing off in each other’s arms.
But still, there’s that lingering fear, and it’s even more frightening now. Because if I fall asleep… If I let my guard down, and something happens to him, I will absolutely have no more reason to live.
Lena’s gone. She’s disappeared while I was asleep.
Our parents…
That note she left turned my world upside down. Losing her, the guilt of knowing she wasright therethe whole time and I blocked it out… Then finding out what she did. Herownguilt she’d been carrying for years. It rocked me, down to my soul.
I want to be able to get closure. And I’m working on it, Iam. As much as it scares me to fall asleep, I have to recognize how much better I feel lately, allowing just a little more.
But the thing is, my fearisn’ttotally irrational. You fall asleep, you risk waking up to something terrifying.
Being pried from your home in the middle of the night, your loved ones passing away, murders and break-ins and rapes… Theyalwayshappen at night when you’re fast asleep.
I just don’t know if I can do it.Especiallynow that Jules is in my life.
It’s just one more person to worry about when I close my eyes.
At least he feels comfortable with me. It’s the positive to staying up to protect him and everyone else. Having someone feel so safe in your presence that they can let go, putting their trust, theirlifein your hands… It feels good.
Jules shifts, mumbling something as he rolls onto his side, pulling me closer by my waist. Even with that dull agony I face, of resting but nevertrulyshutting down, or lying still all night in this form of limbo, I’m able to find happiness. Because Jules wants me close, that much is clear.
He loves me, he supports me, he cherishes me.
I havefamily, in him and Mom now—I call her Mom, but her name is Pricilla.
I’ll stay awake as much as I can to keep them safe. Because I love them, too.
Only a few minutes later, Jules’s eyes flutter and he pins me with glowing amber. My fingers run along his lower back while I observe the complexities in his irises. He lifts a hand, pushing back my messy hair. But then he frowns.
“What’s wrong?” I whisper.
He’s quiet for a moment before he sighs, “You look exhausted…”
Biting my lip, I break our eye contact. “I’m fine.”
“Asa… you’re not,” he grumbles. “Your body wants to sleep, baby. Itneedsto sleep.”
“You know what my body needs,” I hum, rolling on top of him and lowering my lips to his throat, hoping to distract him.
It’s been a week since I let him pop my cherry, so to speak, and I think I can confidently say that I’m obsessed. I love being the bottom. It’s unlike anything my straight-guy-brain could have conjured up.
Jules teases sometimes about wanting me to fuck him. If and when that day comes, I’m sure I’ll love sliding inside him and pumping him full. But we have the rest of our lives to play and explore.
We only just started.
“I know what you’re doing…” he murmurs while I push my ass down on his cock, stroking it between my cheeks.
“Oh, yea?” I gasp, kissing one of the hickeys I apparently made on him by accident. “What’s that?”
