Page 42 of Phobia
“I never meant to hurt you.” His hand slid over my shoulder and squeezed gently. He scooted forward, peering around me to try and catch my gaze, but I refused to look at him, to fall for his puppy eyes or his dimples again. “And I’m sorry if I have. You’re the most important thing in the world to me. I love you, Jamie.”
“That’s the problem.”
“What is?”
“You love me, as a friend, but I’minlove with you.” I slid my gaze to his, bracing for the inevitable rejection. I never meant to blurt it out like that. It just happened. But now that I had, it was like ripping off a bandaid. Best to get the pain over with in one fell swoop than drag it out in small increments.
He didn’t say anything. He didn’t blink or smile or try to crack a joke. He just sat there, staring at me with wide eyes and a look of shock on his face. Did he really not know? Was hethatoblivious? Or was the idea of me loving him so completely ridiculous it never even registered in his brain, because there was no possible way he’d ever reciprocate it?
“So maybe it’s better if you followed your dream and joined the FBI to catch serial killers and I stay here in Winslow,” I continued quietly, turning my attention to the sidewalk before I imploded from embarrassment. “Dr. Corbin got me an internship with the fire department in the spring. If I like it, there’s a job waiting for me after graduation. Or I’m sure I can go work at a clinic or something. Maybe even the hospital.”
“You hate hospitals,” he whispered, like he was still trying to comprehend everything I was saying.
“The point is, I have my life and you have yours and they’re not the same.”
“If you’re staying in Winslow, then so am I.”
“Lark, you’re not listening to me.”
“I am.”
“No, you’re not. I need space. I need tonotbe in love with my best friend.” I glanced at him to make sure my words were sinking in. From the way his brow creased, they were, and my stomach twisted into guilty knots. “I’m sorry. I didn’t want to hurt you. I’m not saying I don’t want to be friends. You’ll always be my best friend. I’m just saying we need better boundaries so maybe I can get over you one day.”
“Whatever you need, Jame,” Larkin said, his voice rough. He refused to look at me and the muscle in the side of his jaw flexed again in the moonlight, like he was physically biting back whatever he really wanted to say.
“Thank you.” Out of habit, I started to reach for him but pulled my hand back quickly. “I’ll talk to you later.”
He didn’t say anything as I stood and brushed the damp leaves off my clothes. Nor did he speak as I took a tentative step down the sidewalk, putting more and more distance between us. My heartbeat pounded in my chest as I left the circle of light cast by the streetlamp and crossed into the darkness. Balling my hands at my sides, my head whipped back and forth, checking trees and hedges for any sign of danger in the shadows. As soon as I entered another pale yellow circle of light, I exhaled a shaky breath. In the daylight, my apartment seemed so close to Larkin’s, but at night? It may as well have been at the end of the earth.
I was a block away when the leaves rustled. I turned, expecting to see him jogging to catch up, to try and smooth things over, but he was headed in the opposite direction, his shoulders rounded and his hands shoved in his pockets.
My heart squeezed painfully at the sight of him. I wanted to run to him and throw my arms around him, to tell him I took it all back, that things didn’t need to change. But the rational part of me knew they had to. I couldn’t stay in love with a man who could never love me in return, not in the way I wanted. Since we were in our senior year, on the brink of starting our new lives, it seemed as good a time as any to make a clean break. I just wished it didn’t hurt so fucking much.
Chapter 4
I need space.
Jamie’s words echoed in my head, stinging like a thousand cuts.
I can’t do it anymore.
I slammed my palm against the steering wheel, again and again, until the pain ricocheting up my arm overwhelmed the pain clawing through my chest.
God forbid anyone thinks you’re a fag.
“Fuck!” I screamed it at the top of my lungs until they burned.
Speeding through the darkness, my SUV hurtled toward my grandma’s house and to the monster in the basement.
He had ruined everything. Healwaysruined everything. And he came back to do it again, one last time. Butthistime it ended. I would make damn sure of that. He almost took Jamie from me once before. There was no way in Hell I was going to let him do it again.
Slamming the car into park, I bolted up the porch steps and shouldered open the front door. Grabbing a knife from the butcher block on the counter, I made my way to the basement, careful of any movement I saw out of the corner of my eye.
Jamie said he saw him earlier on campus, but there’s no way. No fucking way! Not unless the fucker got out again. I thought I’d kept him too weak to do that, though. Weak and helpless, like he’d kept his victims. No food and just enough water to keep his miserable heart beating while I searched the area for his truck and the little treasure trove inside. Between the stacks of polaroids and a well-worn map of the US with tiny red dots indicating where the bodies were, I’d finally have enough to hand him over to the police and put an end to this fucking nightmare once and for all. But therewasanother way to end it.
I tugged the light chain overhead and the single bulb clicked on, illuminating the beast before me.
As the circle of pale light swung back and forth, I could see he was decidedly gray. Corpse gray. His dark eyes bugged out and his mouth hung slack, a puddle of brown liquid pooling where his face had smashed against the concrete floor.
