Page 48 of Phobia
Once I was in position, Larkin crawled on top of me, his body stretching out over mine until I was practically dwarfed by him. He pressed his lips to mine again but this time it felt different. Less urgent. More intimate. It was the damn pillows.
As much as I was probably going to hate myself, I pushed against his chest gently as I broke our kiss, my brows furrowed once more. “Are you ok?”
“Yeah. Why?”
“You just seem… different all of a sudden.” What else was I supposed to say? That it felt like instead of just letting me suck his dick and calling it a night, Larkin seemed like he wanted to “make love” to me? That was a mood killer, no matter how you put it.
“I want you, Jamie,” Larkin said softly, caressing my cheek. “I’m tired of lying to both of us. I’ve never wanted anyone as much as I want you.”
On the one hand, my heart leapt for joy because my childhood dream was coming true. On the other, I couldn’t help but question the timing of it all. Generally, if something seemed too good to be true, it was. Between the conversation last night and what he told me today, I couldn’t help but feel this whole thing was a last-ditch effort to try and keep things the way they were and not face reality.
“What happened to you last night? And where were you today?” I asked, studying his face for the truth.
He sighed and let his gaze drift to the side. His hand fell away from my face, but he didn’t move to get up.
“Is this about what I said last night? About our lives going different places?” I continued, mindful to keep my tone neutral. After he’d finally opened up about his past, I didn’t want to push him too much and run the risk of him shutting down—or shutting me out. Even though I’d initiated the blowjob, I didn’t think it would go beyond that. I certainly didn’t imagine pillows would be involved.
“I thought this was what you wanted. I thought… You don’t want this?” His dark brows drew sharply over his eyes, but he looked more hurt than angry, likeIwas rejectinghim, which was laughable. In all of my fantasy scenarios, I never imagined Larkin as the heartbroken one. Ever.
“Of course I do,” I said quickly, running my fingers through the short hair at the nape of his neck. “It’s what I’vealwayswanted. But not like this. Not when you’re clearly dealing with something. I mean, Cody. Your dad?” I had to force myself to spit out the last word. “Jesus, Lark. You know how much that night fucked me up. I can only imagine what you’ve had to deal with, carrying that secret all these years. Did you even go to therapy?”
Even though he wasn’t looking at me, I could see his eyes turn glassy again, welling with a fresh wave of tears. “I didn’t want to lie to you, but I was scared to tell you the truth. I don’t know how, but I’ll spend the rest of my life making it up to you. I promise.”
“There’s no need.”
“Yes, there is. I swore I’d keep you safe and now I’m swearing to do whatever I have to to make you happy. Be whatever you need. Do whatever you want. I don’t care. I don’t care what people say. I just want to be worthy of you.”
I took his face between my hands and forced him to meet my gaze. “You are. Please stop thinking you’re not good enough. You’re nothim,if that’s what you’re worried about. And you never will be. You’re ten times the man he ever was. You protect people, Larkin. And one day you’ll protect people from other evil assholes like him. If that’s the one good thing that comes from this, then that’s enough. You were born to be a sheepdog. It’s one of the many,manythings I love about you.”
“You know, you’re the only one who ever really believed in me? Even when we were kids. Teachers were so fed up with me, with how far behind I was. Grandma kept the fucking knives locked up the first year I was there.” A sad smile tipped the corner of his mouth. “But you? You insisted we play ‘school’ every day when we got home. And then you gave me a chocolate chip for every question I got right on our homework.”
“I can’t believe you remember that.” I tried to fight a smile, but it came out anyway.
“I remember everything when it comes to you.”
“Then you should know that I’ll always believe in you. Just like I’ll always love you. No matter where life takes us.”
Larkin kissed me again with a renewed sense of urgency, as if that kiss was sealing an unspoken promise of sorts. This time, I didn’t stop him. I returned each kiss with matching fervor, running my hands along his body and moaning when our hard-ons returned to full force, sliding against one another with each roll of our hips.
“I want you so fucking bad,” Larkin panted against my lips. “I need to feel you, at least once. Please, Jame.”
“It’s not that I don’t want to… It’s just—I’ve never done it before,” I admitted quietly, averting my gaze. The fact he wasn’t a virgin when it came to intercourse and I was made my stomach churn. It was the one milestone we hadn’t achieved at, or near, the same time. Seven years later and I’d yet to catch up.
“We’ll figure it out together. Like always.”
Glancing up at him, I was relieved to see a soft smile on his face instead of revulsion or annoyance. Punching your V card was still a big deal, at least for me, but after seeing the adoration in his eyes, I don’t know why I’d even worried. “There’s lube in the bottom drawer.”
His smile turned wicked and he moved to retrieve it from the nightstand. A second after he opened the drawer, it dawned on me whatelsewas in there. By the time Larkin rocked back on his heels, holding both the lube and my dildo, I was fairly certain I was beet red.
“Jesus, Kincaid. I don’t know how I’m supposed to compete with this.”
I glared at him. “It’s notthatbig. And have you seen the size of your dick? Pretty sure you’re thicker.”
“I don’t know,” he murmured, holding the dildo alongside his own cock. “Guess we’ll have to try them both out.”
My eyes doubled in size. “What?”
“You heard me.” He grinned, drizzling lube over the end of the dildo. “On your side.”
