Page 1 of Shadowman
Feel heavily, or feel nothing at all.
Those are the two wildly different sides of mys personality. Sometimes I’m empty.Deadinside. Lost like a shadow, existing only as a silent, lurking piece of someone else.
Other times, my heart races so fast, and my chest cinches so tight, I think my ribs could snap. My mind captures a thought; traps it the way a child traps a butterfly in a jar, to ogle with wide eyes while it flutters about…Before it ultimately dies from lack of oxygen because they forgot to poke air-holes.
Do I resent being like this?
Yes. Of fucking course I do.
It’s not exactlyfunto live each day not knowing how I’ll feel the next. If I’ll be stewing in a silent ache of emotions that make me want to scream and punch the wall until my knuckles are bloodied to the bone…
Or if I’ll be a corpse.
But the thing is, no one knows about any of it. These are things that rest beneath my surface. And nobody ever gets that deep.
The world is full of narcissists. Human beings are inherently self-involved, which certainly enabled me when I was free.Before I got locked up, I adored how engrossed people were in their own bullshit.
Made it real easy for me to slink around undetected.
But here, inAlabaster Penitentiary, I find the lack of attention sort of… vexing.
I’m not saying I want everyone to be focused on me all the time, or even most of the time. It’d drive me nuts. But there are certain moments when I feel like I could slit my throat in the middle of this cafeteria, and no one would bat an eye.
Do they even see me?
Or am Istillcompletely… invisible?
Lifting my gaze from the plate of slop in front of me, I watch my friends. Luthor is talking about this device he’s been working on for months. His body is turned, facing Ren, which would indicate that he’s really only speaking to him. Not me.
And Ren is smiling—as he does when he’s looking at Luthor. Full attention given, only occasionally breaking eye contact to watch Luthor’s lips move.
Pouring over him curiously, I study Ren’s face. Sparkling eyes the color of a bright blue sky, pointed nose, curved lips forming their signature smirk and framed by pretty-boy dimples. Jawline sharp, dusted in a dark stubble.Almost time for a shave.
Down my gaze travels, over the slope of his neck to his wide shoulders, biceps and torso plump with muscles you can’t see when they’re hidden by his shirt. But I know they’re there.
One of his long arms is extended slightly, and I lean forward to see where his hand is, though I don’t really need to. I already know it’s resting possessively on Luthor’s thigh, subtly grazing up and down.
Because Luthorbelongsto Ren. He always has, even when he was acting like he didn’t.
It didn’t matter that Ren cheated on him. I knew from the moment it happened he would fall back under the spell ofWarren Xavier. It was only a matter of time before they were like this.Attached, in a state of constant fawning and obsessive desire that borders on psychotic.
Luthor’s a genius—literally. The kid is so smart, he could probably work for NASA, or become the next Steve Jobs—if he wasn’t locked away in concrete hell, that is.
So forgive me for harboring some resentment over his stupidity when it comes to our friend Ren.
Not that I think it’s stupid for someone to want Ren… A lot of people do. I just feel like it was obvious Luthor would go back, and him claiming he wouldn’t drove me a little nuts.
Maybe it’s none of my business… I mean, it istheirrelationship. They can go about it however they want.Obnoxiously codependent… Fine. That’s their prerogative.
But I’ve been caught in the middle of their toxic shit many times over the years, which is why I sometimes feel trapped on this hellish carnival ride with them.
For me, it was unintentional. But I think for them—especially for Ren—it was very deliberate. It’s just the way he is, I suppose. Another selfish soul with a one-track mind, compulsively aimed in only one direction.
Still, that doesn’t make it any less infuriating.
Deciding I need to get up and move for a second before I explode, I stand with my tray. Luthor’s eyes fling to me, and he tilts his head, as if he’s about to ask where I’m going. But then Ren picks up one of Luthor’s hands, affectionately playing with his fingers.
Attention effectively drawn back.
