Page 18 of Shadowman
I’m not a total masochist.At least I don’t think I am…But ever since I was thrown into Alabaster Pen without an ounce of warning, I’ve become more and more invested in pain. Really anything that allows me tofeel, whether it’s sex, or fighting…Shallow acts for my body to endure, to remind me I’mnotjust an empty husk.
The thing is, it wasn’t Alabaster Penitentiary that made me this way…
I’ve felt invisible for as long as I can remember. Since I was a child standing in the corner.
I don’t like to complain about my childhood, because I know some people have it so much worse than me, but still, I don’t remember ever being happy with anyone other than my grandfather. Certainly not my father.
Tae Jin Kang is the epitome of a hard ass. Stone-cold, reserved and perpetually indifferent. I suppose he loves us… my mother, my sister, and me. Because hehasto. But he never truly cared for my grandfather, or New York; that much was clear. As far as he was concerned, he came to America as an obligation, and as soon as my grandfather was dead, he could pack up and head back to Seoul—after collecting my mother’s hefty inheritance, of course.
Unfortunately for him, Rafe Byron Jr. held on for as long as he could. He passed away on my thirteenth birthday. It was the last time I cried.I also haven’t celebrated a birthday since.
By that time, we were already settled in Manhattan, living in the penthouse that belonged to my grandfather. He left it to my mother and me when he died. Naturally, my father wanted to sell the place and move back to Korea, but he needed my signature to do so, even though I was a child. It was a stipulation of the estate. And I refused to sign.
That sure as shit didn’t make father dearest like me any more.
Maybe that’s why my dad has always despised me so much… I remind him of his father-in-law, who never saw him as a good enough man to raise his grandchildren, or support his beloved daughter.
Rafe was the only member of my family who ever understood me; he was theonlyperson who even tried. And with him gone, I felt even more invisible. My grandfather had died, butIwas the one who felt like a ghost…
Maybe that’s why I love to fight so much. Why I love the pain and the secrets… The darkness. Because it’s all I have left.
It’s the only thing that keeps me breathing anymore. Living day to day, basking in the darkness, without becoming too much of a vampire. That’s what my friends are for, I guess. They keep me up, keep me rooted in the present. That’s the tightrope you must walk in a life sentence… Staying fully in theright now.
No thinking about the future. Andneverany dwelling on the past.
Watching O’Malley run around Hammond and jump up onto his back like a damn spider monkey, I’m releasing tiny bubbles of soft laughter. He’s just such a loon.Mucho loco.But still… He’s my friend. And having friends in here is key.
Maybe it’s weird to say I didn’t have many friends until I came to prison, but it’s sort of true. I had acquaintances, but no one I would consider as close to me as Luthor, Ren, and O’Malley are. I think that’s a prison thing, too. When you’re stuck in the same place, with boredom following you around every corner like a shadow, your best bet for survival is to be part of a group.
I struggled with it at first… Howmuchto trust these people. But at the end of the day, I think I trust them as much as they trust me. We’ll call it seventy-five percent. Because I’m sure they’re keeping things from me. Just like I’mdefinitelykeeping things from them.
Maybe not the same kinds of things… Or as many.
Grabbing one of the cloths they have lying around for us to clean up with, I dunk it into the bucket of water, holding it up tomy eye. The cold feels good and will help with the bruising and swelling.
After aQuiet Night, I always wonder if Luthor or Ren will ask questions. But that’s the beauty of this whole operation… Prison fights are a part of daily life. No one bats an eye when somebody shows up with fresh wounds.
There are orderlies from the East Wing in on it. They take a cut from the guards, and if a fighter gets badly injured, they fix him up—as best they can, anyway.It doesn’t happen often, but it does happen.
I’m still watching O’Malley scratch and bite Hammond while I think about Ren…
I’m surprised that he, of all people, hasn’t found out about this yet. He’s the officialGossip Guyof Alabaster Pen. He has this uncanny ability to find things out around here.
But then, I guess he doesn’t knoweverything…
My throat feels thick as my mind rushes with images, like a slideshow of all my secrets flickering behind my open eyes.
I wonder what he’d think if he found out…
Eyes gliding left, I peek at the stack of mats where I hid the cellphone the other day. I still haven’t had a chance to use it, and Ireallywant to. I’m contemplating how risky it would be to grab it now and sneak into the locker room real quick while everyone is distracted…
But loud cheers and bellows reclaim my attention.
“You little fuck!” Brenner shoves O’Malley back.
“Want some, yeh lazy cuck?” O’Malley shouts up at Brenner, getting back in his face.
I didn’t see what happened, or whythey’refighting now, rather than O’Malley and Hammond, but honestly, it could’ve been anything. We all know O’Malley has a short fuse, and Brenner is a prick of epic proportions, so they tend to be at each other’s throats.
