Page 223 of Shadowman
“Look, I know you’re pissed.” He does that doctor thing; dripping with condescension that makesmefeel crazy…When we all know he’s a fucking nutter himself!“You have every right to be. I understand why you’re so upset—”
“Oh, do you?!” I bark, getting up close. “Do youunderstand, Lemuel?? Then why don’t you fucking elaborate for me. Why am I soupsetwith you?”
“Because I left you,” he replies, blinking rain away from his eyes. “Because I used you to get back here.”
I scoff, shaking my head. Fury is making my blood burn like acid. “You’re unbelievable.” He gives me one of his inquisitive looks, and my teeth grind. “Three years, Doctor…Threegoddamn bloodyyears! And you threw it away like it was nothing! Tossed me aside like garbage to come here and fall in love with aguy?!”
Dr. Love’s gaze shifts. His eyes actually widen, expression falling ever so slightly. I should probably stop, but I’m already wound up to full tightness.
I think I need to unravel a bit.
“And not just any guy,” I growl. “No, if he were some normal bloke, I think I could wrap my head around it. I mean, aregularrelationship seems boring, buthey!Maybe that’s what you wanted… But no. He’s a bloodykiller!A murderer without remorse, just like you always knewIwas! Despite the meds and the therapy and that bullshit optimism you’d plaster onto your face every time we were together, youknew, deep down, that I was sick. That I was capable of terrible, atrocious things, and incapable of ever changing!
“I thought it fascinated you. I thought… you understood me.” I pause to sniff and wipe the rain from my face. “Youdid, I know you did. You always have… But then you left me for him. Like you were… trading up. Like I was… alessermonster.”
Dr. Love is completely silent, but for the first time since I’ve known him, it doesn’t feel like a tactic, to assert his dominance or superior intellect. It’s not the silence of him observing and cataloging me in his head.
He’s… stunned.
“Trevel…” His voice is uncharacteristically soft. Pitying.
It makes me want to retch.
“Piss off,” I snap, dragging him to keep moving. “Spare me the fake empathy. We both know you don’t care.”
He yanks himself out of my grip, standing still. “You’re right. I don’t.”
My brow cocks.
“You want an apology? Well, guess what… You ain’t gettingshit. I can’t tell youI’m sorry, because I’m not, and there’s no point in lying or faking it. You’re too smart. It’s a waste of time.”
My gaze at him narrows.
“I don’t regret coming here, Trevel. Despite all the bullshit that’s happened over the last however many months. I’m not sorry for leaving or using Manuel’s sudden obsession with you as my ticket back. And I think you know why…”
I swallow a painful lump in my throat. “I know. But I don’t fucking understand it,” I grit out through my clenched jaw. “Whyhim? What thefuckis so special about Felix Darcey??”
He stares at me for a moment again, the lines of his face taking on some vulnerability. It’s not much, but it’s there. And it’s making me feel even sicker.
“For me?” he whispers. “Everything.”
My fist tightens around the handle to the blade. And for a second, I think I might actually slit his throat.
“It’s the sort of thing you’ll never be able to comprehend until you feel it yourself. I know I didn’t,” he goes on, tone gentle, normal.Human. “I spent most of my life believing such things were frivolous and unnecessary. I mean, human beings can survive, even thrive, without attachment. Romantic love doesn’t contribute to science. We don’t…needit. But then I met him and… all of that went out the window. Because I wanted it so badly that itbecamea need.”
He huffs, tipping his chin toward the ground and shaking his head. It’s so very unexpected, for a moment, I think I’m hallucinating.
“Did he just… laugh??”Leo gasps, and I subtly wave him off.
“The point is, I didn’t choose it.” Lemuel continues. “I didn’t plan it or anticipate it. In fact, it came out of nowhere and really fucked me up.” He tilts his head, bronze eyes set heavily on my gaze, holding it. “When it happens, it changes everything. It erases everything else… It didn’t matter that I was leaving things behind, screwing people over, or being selfish. It sure as shit didn’t matter that I wasstraight. Like a rebirth, you start fresh. Nothing from before them matters. No regrets, no apologies. You’ll do anything and everything for them, no qualms or hesitations.”
My heart is racing, hair brushing in my eyes from the wind. A bright flash lights up the sky, and I jump. The thunder is immediate, crackling and booming so loud, it’s as if the sky just split open.
Lemuel glances up at something behind me. “That’s how you know my promise is sincere, Trevel. Because Felix Darcey is the other piece of me… And I don’t let people hurt me without retribution. Just like you.”
“That’s…” My voice dries up, as do my words. I have nothing to say.
I can’t even think.
