Page 265 of Shadowman
“That makes no sense,” I growl under my breath, rubbing my eyes.
When I look up, Byron and Lemuel are gawking at me. They exchange glances, and my spine stiffens in irritation. It reminds me of how people used to look at me in Riverwoods.Like I’m an unbridled nutter.
“Trev… let’s go get some rest,” Byron patronizes me with thatappeasingtone.
“Fine,” I grunt, stalking off, not waiting for either of them to say another word.
I take the stairs two at a time from the basement, rushing across and up to our floor, all the while kicking myself.Hatingmyself for not knowing how to do this. How to bewithsomeone.
I know how to be alone. How to be an addict. How to seek revenge… And most of all, I know how to demolish good things and leave them in rubble.It’s what I did to Alice…
It’s what I’m good at.
I’dloveto give Byron more of me.Fuck it…Allof me.I want him to have me in full, so that I can havehimin full. But I have this nagging bloody voice in my head that spouts nothing butdoubt.
“Blame me all you want, but I know what’s best for you…”Leo grumbles.
I whip in his direction. “Forme!Me, Leo! It’s just me, becauseyoudon’t exist! You are me, and you’re holding me down,suffocatingme because you’re afraid!”
He looks hurt, like I’ve just stabbed him with one of those ninjatos on his back.
“You’re nothing but fear, and I hate it,” I whine breathlessly. “That’s why you disappear every time I need you… Because you’re bloody terrified.Iam… and I don’t want to be anymore. I want to try. Can’t Itry, at least??”
“Trevel, Jesus…” Byron’s voice startles me, and I jump, spinning to face him with wide eyes. “What’s going on??Whoare you talking to??”
I stare at him, jaw slack. I assume Leo’s gone, but this time, when I peer left, he’s still there. He looks just as afraid as me.
He’safraid… Not me.
Leave the fear with him.
“Tell me what’s going on, Trevel,” he whispers,beggingme. “Please tell mesomething, violet eyes, or we can’t…Ican’t do this anymore.” He’s in visible pain. I can tell he doesn’t want to end this. But hewill… If I don’t give him something.
I have to… step out of the shadows.
I release a slow breath. “Okay. I’ll t-tell you… All the things.”
Byron nods and whispers, “I promise, I can handle it.”
My lips twitch, a soft chuckle fleeing my lips.
Fuckin’ hell, he’s perfect. Such a hard shell around so much mushy sweetheart, I swear. Like Alice.
Wandering over to the couch, I take a seat and pat the cushion next to me. Byron joins me, nestling up by my side. Facing me. Giving me his full attention. I’m nervous, but also amazed by how much he wants this.
Is this all he’s needed the whole time? Just… more? More of me?
I peer at Leo, and for the first time, he’s not warning me against what I’m about to do. He’s just watching me.
Be strong, be fearless, be kind.
Be Leonardo.
“I told you I left London when I was young because my parents were shit,” I begin. Byron nods subtly. “Well, I didn’t tell you how awful they truly were. My father was abusive… In just about every way one can be. He used to beat me, degraded me… The worst sorts of things, like cutting my hair uneven, making me drink his bottle of lager with cigarette butts in it. He’d whip me with things, force-feed me foods he knew I hated, put a cockroach in my bed. Real mean, mind-fuck type shit. And then… Well, I was barely eight years old by the time he started… touching me.”
I pause to swallow, remembering to breathe through it; the pain and rage that’s still fucking there, lodged in my chest cavity like a tumor that can’t be removed.
Byron’s eyes are wide, and I think he might move away… But he doesn’t. He moves in closer, taking my hand in his, threading our fingers. I hear him in my mind, like all those times in the showers…
