Page 266 of Shadowman
Go on, violet eyes. I’m listening.
“My mother didn’t care,” I croak. “She did nothing to stop it. In fact, I think she enjoyed it, for some reason I’ve never been able to figure out.”
I’m staring into Byron’s eyes, but my gaze is far away. Only for a moment, and I pull myself back.
“One day, I’d had enough. I just couldn’t… bear it for one more day. Instead of going to school, I went into the city and stayed there. I began pickpocketing and stealing to get by, but I knew the longer I stayed in London, the more likely they’d somehow get me back. My plan was to save up enough to take the train to Berlin, but I wound up meeting a man who offered to bring me to America. I’d always wanted to come here because it seemed so exciting on television… So I agreed to let him photograph me in exchange for him buying me a plane ticket and pretending to be my uncle on the flight to New York.”
“Jesus…” Byron whispers, appearing appalled.
I have to chuckle because this is nowherenearthe worst part. “Anyway, there I was… Twelve years old in the Big Apple. Naturally, I had no money, no friends, no family. No place to go. So I did what I had to… I preferred stealing, and I’d become rather good at it. But it was neverenough. Everything was so bloody expensive, and I was too young to get an apartment or even a hotel on my own. That’s actually how it started… I’m sure you can… guess.” I gulp.
“Prostitution?” he mutters after a beat, and I bite down on the inside of my cheek.
“I wasn’t even thirteen yet… But you know some people liked that. Okay, somemen. They were all men, at least until I turned about fifteen. And I have to say, it severely stunted my sexuality. I’d known for years I liked both girls and boys, but it was impossible for me to think of men in a way that wasn’t rough and aggressive, and just… too painful.”
I barely even notice how hard Byron is squeezing my hand until it starts to go numb. But I like it. It’s… comforting.
“I’m not sure why this is still the hard part…” My voice shakes, and I clear my throat. “I’m not ashamed. I did what I had to… To survive. But Ihatedit. There’s no shame in sex work, but I was a child. I wasn’t supposed to be doing those things, and the men, myJohn’s… they knew that. I carried a lot of rage because of it… I think I still do. For my parents mostly, because my being out there was their fault. And for the adults who took advantage of me and the other kids. I still hate feeling helpless… Hence, the drug use.”
Byron’s brows lift in surprise, because he didn’t know about my substance abuse issues. He didn’t know about anything…
But the look he’s giving me is so utterly supportive. He tilts his head, eyes gleaming as if to say, “It’s alright. You can say anything you want. I won’t judge you.”
Interestingly enough, it reminds me of the first time I told this story to Dr. Love.
“I began drinking and using hard drugs almost right away,” I rasp. “I needed something to numb the pain and make it all… easier. Heroin definitely did that.”
“Oh, baby…” Byron reaches out to brush my hair back with his fingers. “How long has it been?”
“Since I arrived at Alabaster Pen, so a few months?” I tell him.
“That’s great, Trev. Really. I can’t imagine it’s easy…”
I’m dying over how sweet and supportive he is.
“No, it’s not,” I sigh. “Honestly, if I had access to drugs right now, I can’t guarantee I wouldn’t be doing them.” Pausing, I recall something while Byron plays with my fingers. “I was going to drink… The Ivory has a bar downstairs. But I stopped myself because it won’t… help. I know that now. But with the other stuff… I don’t know, self-medicating was a distraction. Andwhen I was using, I stopped caring and started feeling… bad. Because that’s what I was, you know?”
Byron simply nods. He’s not trying to help. He’s just listening, and it’s amazing.
I take a deep breath, glancing at Leo. He looks sad…Because he knows what’s next.“So I was living and working on the streets, mostly alone. I’d been recruited a few times by a few groups, but they couldn’t deal with me. I was too much of a wild card, with the drugs and the mental health issues… It wasn’t worth it for them. But I didn’t mind. Honestly, I preferred going it alone. I mean, I enjoyed being around other kids my age, but it just made me sad, seeing them mistreated…”
“You were more concerned with them?” Byron’s lips twist. “Baby, you were being mistreated too…”
I shrug and bite my lip. “For me, it was inevitable. I’d been born into pain.”
His amusement falls away, and he looks devastated for me. I rub my eyes.
“Either way, it wasfine, until… that night. Until…them.”
“Who’s them?” Byron asks nervously.
“I was on my way to a mate’s house… This lad I knew from Morningside,” I recount, unable to stop from squirming already in discomfort. “I’d just been with one of my regulars who was nice, and he paid well, so I remember I was chuffed because I had a place to stay for the weekend and enough cash that I could take a break for at least a few days. I was walking, cutting through the park ’cause it was faster… That’s when I ran into them.
“There were four of them. I knew one bloke… Not well, but I’d seen him around. He was a businessman. A Wall Street tosser who liked to bring underage boys up to his penthouse on Fifth. He was what we’d call aRed, meaning a John to watch out for because he was a freak known to get rough. Anyway, it was himand three other Wall Street-looking pricks, and as soon as they spotted me, it was like a game… Right away. A bloodyhunt.”
My voice goes softer in an instant. “That part of the park was empty, so right away, I was uneasy. I tried to avoid them, but the more I did, the more they came after me. The kick of it, you know?”
I pause and stare, still able to see this all so vividly, as if it just happened moments ago…
