Page 269 of Shadowman
“Oh, violet…” he whispers, stroking my hair.
“It was after Dr. Love left.” I sniffle. “I was off my meds, and I started using again. Alice’s twin brother, Andres, was staying with her. He’d been in prison for drug offenses, so it was just… a bad situation. I was weak, and I fell apartsoeasily.” I wipe a tear onto his shirt. “I sucked him off a couple times in exchange for heroin… Like a loser junkie—”
“Hey,” Byron hums. “Don’t say that… Please, baby.”
“I’ve always been a mess, By…” I grumble. “That doesn’t stop. Itneverends. I had a great girl who I actually cared deeply for. Who I might have…” I clear my throat. “And I threw it away for a hot dude with strong narcotics. You must think I’m such a knob…” I bury my face even deeper.
“You messed up, Trevel. You’re only human. If there’s one thing I’ve come to understand, it’s that you can be in love with someone and still make mistakes like that. Physical ones…”
Lifting my face, I peek up at him. He bites his lip, and I can tell right away he’s thinking of Ren.
“Ren did that…?” I ask carefully.
His eyes gleam with sadness as he nods. “He loved Luthor with all of himself. I know that. It was just… physical. With us… It was an addiction for him, like yours.”
“I know what that’s like…” I mumble, remembering being high out of my mind the night that Alice died. “I would’ve used anything to forget, Byron. And I still battle those demons every day.” Scrubbing my hands over my face, I exhale a rough whimper. “I lost her because of it… I let herdie, Byron… Because I was too fucked up to save her.That’swhy I’m here. I’m trapped forever as a permanent reminder of the lowest point in my life…”
Byron’s face has never been more still. “You don’t have to say any more if you don’t want to, baby—”
“The night Alice died, I was high.” I force the words out. “Andres and I… did our thing. Then he shot me up, which was weird, because I usually snorted it.” I blink hard and shake my head. “I was in and out for a bit, and the next thing I knew, he was fucking me…”
Byron’s jaw clenches, expression dripping with fast rage.
“I was… awake. I mean, I was groggy, but lucid. I… consented.” I gulp. “But Alice… she was in the bed next to us. I thought she was just sleeping, so it was kinda hot…” A whimper flees my lips, and I slap my palms to cover myself. “I didn’t know she was… she… was…”
I’m full-blown crying in an instant. Like a dam burst, I’m hysterical.
Byron tries to steady me, but I rip away from his hands. “She was dead, Byron. Shedied! Her twin fucking brotherkilledherby intentional overdose and then fucked me, knowing bloody well he was planning to frame me for her murder! Do you know what it feels like?? To walk around every day, knowing you let someone who killed the first person you’ve ever loved fuck you right next to her fucking corpse?!”
I’m practically hyperventilating. The guilt and agony are so strong, I can’t see.
Swallowing back pain, I choke, “I killed him when I found out. I killed that waste of bloody life and his asshole friend for what they did. But it’s still my fault.I’mthe evil one, Byron. Because I had love, and I gave it up fornothing… That’s whoIam.”
He’s gaping at me, brown irises reflecting my sorrow back. “How… How did you end up here?”
“Manuel Blanco thought I killed someone else.” I sniff.
His brow furrows. “Who?”
“I don’t know,” I mumble, exhausted from the emotional marathon I just ran, rehashing all of this. “Someone he confused with Alice, or Andres, I suppose. By the time I was already here, he’d found out he had the wrong information, but you know him… He saw an opportunity.”
Byron looks like he has a million things to say, but can’t manage to cough up a single word.
“So… there you have it. The whole story.” I rake fingers through my hair, drained and hollow, from the pure devastation of my life. “That’s what led me to where I am right now… Here with you.”
I actually got through it… And he’s still here.
Now let’s see if he stays.
Byron bites his lip. I can’t help plucking it from between his teeth again.
“Trevel…” His voice shakes with emotion. Not pity,thank God, but I can feel what he’s feeling on my behalf, and gives me a rush of dopamine.
“I just wanted you to know, Byron. Because from the moment I met you, I wanted nothing more than to figure you out.” I run my hand up his chest, resting my palm over his heart. “Youletme, baby. And now it’s… my turn. Surrendering feels good sometimes. When it’s with… you.”
He’s quiet for many generous moments while we just stare at one another. Finally, he exhales, breaking the silence. “Why did you wait so long to tell me this? You’re right, I’ve sharedsomuch with you, and all I wanted in return was this… This deep stuff you’ve been clinging to. Don’t you trust me…?”
“I do! I swear, I do… I just…” I pause to collect my thoughts. “I mean, Byron… Do you blame me? I’m bloodytapped. My life, everything I’ve been through, all that Iam… It’s like a disease.” Tears are welling again, and I try to sniff them away. “I was scared… I’msobloody scared with you, Byron, and I hate being scared. I despise it… But with you, I’mterrified.”
