Page 29 of Shadowman
I was raised keeping secrets. And despite knowing how good it feels to tell the truth from time to time, I find myself chasing it down… The high that comes from hiding things.Doing fucked-up shit and keeping it from people on purpose.
I wish I wasn’t like this, but I can’t help it. It’s an addiction, stronger than any of my others.
Knowing that my girlfriend—someone wholovesandcaresfor me—is on the other side of that door, while I’m in here with her brother’s fist in my hair and his cock jamming at my tonsils… It’s a delectable ache, and the more I try to thwart it, the more Icraveit.
Even Dr. Love, as much as he used to advocate for me, knew that I was incapable oftrulychanging who I am. I could pretend I was getting better all I wanted, but deep down, I always knew it was pointless.
I’m a monster. Plain and simple.
I don’t believe I would hurt Alicephysically. But clearly, I am more than capable of slaughtering her emotionally.
Regret weaves through my extremities, but it’s too late for all that. Because her twin brother is coming in my mouth, holding my head in place so I have no choice but to swallow.
When he’s done, I stand up on shaky legs, and he sighs, tucking himself away. “Fuck yea… That mouth is fucking lethal.”
Pushing me up against the sink, he kisses me, and I’m a little confused. I’ve been under the impression that Andres is straight, and he simply learned from a few minor stints in prison that when it comes to getting off, all mouths essentially feel the same. But now he’s biting on my lips and tonguing my tongue, and it feels… different.
Worse, because I’m certain that if it keeps growing like this, Alice will eventually find out. And she’ll be crushed.
I have to put my obsessing on pause, though, because Andres has stopped kissing me and is now taking out needles and tying up my arm.
The devil twin shoots me up, whispering wicked words in my ear… Touching me all over while my eyes roll back.
And I fall, willingly, into the depths of evil.
Shockingly, O’Malley only got one day in solitary for the cellphone incident. Still, the second he comes shuffling back into our shared cell, it’s apparent that it was a pretty shitty one.
But I don’t feel bad for him.Not even slightly.
That was allhisdoing.Hemade the executive decision to taunt Brenner and his butt-buddy Linetti, knowing full well that they’re both extremely short-tempered assholes who get off on watching inmates suffer.And, he did so while also exposing the cellphone that Ren went out of his way to get and give tome. It was his choice to be stupid, and he should have to deal with the consequences of his actions.
Not to mention, he put us all at risk. Because the guards aren’t as dumb as they look. They know O’Malley doesn’t exactly have the wherewithal to procure a cellphone himself. So who are they going to look at?
His stupid friends.
This is the exact shit I voice to him as soon as he returns.
“What the fuck is your problem, anyway?” I bark at him, pacing around the cell while he just sits on my bunk, hands folded in his lap like he’s being scolded by a parent. “I mean, are you justthatfucking certifiable??” He shrugs, and I stop,bending to line our faces. “No… You’reselfish, that’s what you are.”
He frowns. “That ain’t—”
“Not only did you lose something we hadn’t even had the chance to use yet,” I cut him off, “something weneverfucking get in here… But you also put us, yourfriends, at risk! I swear to God, it’s like you don’t care about us at all.”
“Yo, mate, it’s not like that…” he mutters, finally seeming remorseful.
“Yes, it is,” I huff firmly, straightening and running my fingers through my hair. “I wouldneverdo something like that to you.”
“Aw, yea, big brother Byron is fookin’perfect!” he growls. “Must be nice to be a goddamn celebrity in prison! You, Luthor, Ren… yer all the fookin’ golden boys. Meanwhile, yer tapped fookin’ friend is the black sheep! The one everybody hates…” He grabs two fistfuls of his hair and starts yanking it visibly hard. Hard enough to rip it out. Smacking himself in the face over and over. “No one understands… I know I’m a worthless screwup, alright?? Iknowthat… Yeh don’t have to rub it in!”
Staring at him, I watch his little meltdown closely, feeling the tiniest twinge of empathy. I know I’m not responsible for the way he feels. He’s a tornado of destruction, and he should have to deal with that, like the rest of us do.
At the same time, I understand where he’s coming from…
I was the black sheep of my family. Thedisappointment. I felt unseen in my own home, like he did. Granted, I never would’ve thought to harm any of them because of it, especially if I’d had a younger sibling, like O’Malley did…
I’ve never actually thought about killing someone in a way that wasn’t completely abstract.Certainly not an innocent child. It’s unfathomable.
But still, the reason I’ve bonded with Kieran is the rest of it. Being perpetually invisible.
