Page 303 of Shadowman
They nod, the three of us huddling up for some privacy. Giving myself one more moment to prepare, I drop my chin and close my eyes.
Here goes nothing…
When I lift my face, they’re staring at me, full attention given. It’s nerve-racking, but I push past it.
“First of all, I’m really sorry,” I start. “For everything. For what I said in the rec room, for disappearing on you after that. For… choosing him. Over you.”
Luthor looks like he’s about to start placating me, telling me it’salright, but Ren motions to him, and they both stay quiet. Just listening.
Ugh… God. This is gonna suck.
“I was hurt… That’s why I said what I said,” I go on. “Because I was just… in pain. All the damn time, for reasons I’ll get into in a second. But when I thought you guys were dead, I thought I’d never get the chance to tell you the truth. So I’m gonna tell you everything right now, just in case. No regrets…”
They look nervous, awaiting what I’m about to say.
Inhaling deep, I harness all of my exterior strength, coating my interior with it, like armor for the inside. “I lied to you… Alot. About tons of stuff.” My eyes flick between them. They’re still just staring. “I’m not here because I killed the guy who was fucking my girlfriend… I’ve never killed anyone, actually.”
“Oh my God! Samesies!” Luthor gasps excitedly.
“Babe. Shush,” Ren chides.
I grin, but bite it off. “I’m here because I was sleeping with Governor Russo’s son… Michelangelo. He wasn’t myboyfriendofficially or anything, but I think I really… cared about him.” I glance at my shoes. “Who knows, maybe I loved him… But whatever, that’s not the point. The point is that we were a thing. And one night, Russo caught us, and he threw me in here because that’s the kind of man he is.Was, sorry. And that’s why he’s dead.”
I glance across the room at Felix, who’s gleefully eating a bag of chips while Dr. Love wipes his face with a washcloth.
“That’s fucking awesome,” Ren says, bringing my attention back to his bright grin.
“Yea, fuck that guy,” Luthor adds. “Homophobic scumbag.”
“That whole thing sorta stunted me.” I rub the back of my neck. “I probably would’ve been fine with being bi if it weren’t for that shit…”
“Are you really bi??” Luthor asks.
I nod, and Ren snorts, shaking his head. “Called that from a mile away…”
“Anyway.” I ignore him, scowling. “I already felt lost and alone… And then you guys came along. Parker, and Landon, and O’Malley… Dash.” I peek at where he’s sitting on Kemper’s lap. “It was great to have friends. But you two were…more.” I swallow hard. “I should have been able to tell you the truth, but shit got… complicated.”
They’re both gawking at me, waiting for me to continue. But this is the hard part.
Fuck… It’s already awkward.
“The thing is… You reminded me a lot of him,” I whisper, eyes flitting to Ren’s in between staring down at where I’m brushing dirt around with my shoe. “Of Michelangelo. Not only do you look like him, but your personalities are kinda similar. I guess I have a type…”
When the blaring silence gets to be too much, I peek at Ren. His eyes are wide, jaw slack. For maybe the first time in our entire friendship, he’s speechless. No smart-ass remarks or flirtatious jokes. It’s kind of amazing, but it makes getting this out that much more difficult.
“When we started hooking up, I was pulling the proxy too,” I admit. “I just… needed it. I never got any closure with him. And I couldn’t let go…”
Ren nods subtly, and I can tell he understands what I’m saying. But Luthor is frozen solid. It doesn’t look like he’s breathing.
“It might have started to feel… different,” I mutter, clearing my throat a hundred times. “I swear to God, I didn’t want it to. You gotta believe me… I couldn’t help it. I didn’t want to have… feelings. It was just a lot of other shit… Mixing with the physical.”
They’re both frozen now, gaping in mild shock. But they’re not yelling at me or storming off…So I guess that’s good.
I continue before I lose my nerve. “It hurt… being just a body to you. So when you guys started up again, I felt like I was losing both of you… in different ways. I was jealous, and Ihatedmyself for it… I still do, because I let it ruin our friendship. I let it tear us apart…”
The silence stretches, anxiety twisting me up. I’m afraid they both hate me and think I’m pathetic, my vulnerabilities making it hard to look at them.
But Luthor’s voice pulls me out. “Fuck that.” My face jumps. “You didn’t ruin shit. We’restillfriends, Byron. We always will be. In fact, we’re more than that… We’re family. And family members fight sometimes, but it doesn’t mean they don’t still love each other.”
